We all know the easy to recognize symptoms of PMS; acne, bloating, and irritability. However, most people cannot tell you the extent of these symptoms or why they occur. I certainly couldn't , when I first started getting my period I told my mom I needed a pad, looked up how to put it on, and did it myself. I'll admit it; I'm hyper-independent, I don't like to ask for help, and I don't like talking about my problems so I figured out most of my period issues on my own. I have a lot of period issues; fainting, upchuck, fevers, cold sweats, the works. My refusal to communicate with my mother made it impossible for me to see a doctor so I became a Web MD aficionado. My extensive research on overcoming my monthly visit from the Red Death resulted in a pretty extensive understanding of the menstrual cycle and the female anatomy. Now I would like to share the results of my research to help my ladies, my confused dads, the bewildered boyfriends, and the baffled brothers of the world understand PMS and learn how to kick it in the face.
What causes PMS?
PMS is caused by revolving changes in hormones. Try comparing the menstrual cycle to the lunar cycle; let's say PMS is a full moon (when things get wild), the bleeding period is the waning moon, the end of bleeding is a new moon, and ovulation is the waxing moon. I broke the lunar cycle example into four parts because there are four parts of the menstrual cycle: the bleeding phase, the follicular phase, the ovulatory phase, and the luteal phase. Today we will be focusing on the luteal phase otherwise known as PMS. Get ready for one wild ride.
During the luteal phase, a million and one things are going wild in the body. At the beginning of this phase the hormones estrogen and testosterone decline and progesterone starts being produced. Progesterone is like organic Valium, so your body will start feeling more relaxed, less anxious, and placid. This is a good time for reading, watching movies at home, and long walks in the park. (Dad's; this is a good time to ask about college apps and spending. Boyfriends; this is a good time to tell her your mom wants you guys to come to dinner. Brothers; this is a great time to explain how you broke her favorite bra trying to use it as a slingshot. This nice peaceful part tends to only last about two to three days, during the second part of this phase the symptoms of PMS start rolling in.
When you say mood I'll say swings! MOOD! SWINGS! One minute you're happy, the next you sad, now you're angry, it's overwhelming and most of the time we don't realize it's happening. (Dads, brothers, and boyfriends this link will give you a pretty good idea of what you're probably dealing with during this time). Mood swings are caused by fluctuations in serotonin, serotonin is a neurotransmitter that contributes to premenstrual depression, fatigue, cravings, and sleep issues. Depression and fatigue make us feel unhappy, cravings lead to poor eating decisions that make us even more unhappy after we realize what we just ate, and sleep issues are a universal crabbiness creator. Other mental symptoms that come with PMS are anxiety, tension, social withdrawal, crying spells, and poor concentration. These are NOT exaggerated, they are not, they are not funny, and I'm going to need MEN to stop asking if I'm PMSing when I'm upset because it's not cute. If I'm not PMSing then you just lost 54.7 points for being a misogynist creep (sorry dad), if I am PMSing then I'm 100 percent a wreck. A wreck is not an overstatement, I started crying out of nowhere for nothing this month, I was literally anxious and frustrated about nothing and it made me start bawling. It's not a joke, it's not funny, honestly, it's really stressful being that out of control, it's like Jekyll and Hyde.
The physical symptoms of PMS SUCK. The most annoying are arguably breakouts and bloating, but I can only speak for myself. The acne and breast tenderness are hormone related, acne can also be a result of the change in diet from cravings. Constipation is caused by the progesterone surge and the expansion of the uterus before the period. Progesterone can delay food on it's path to the intestines, progesterone also causes the uterine lining to swell which pushes on the poop department and causes discomfort and constipation. Weight gain also occurs before the period, it's water weight, but it can be a lot. I generally weigh ten pounds more than usual during PMS, it's super annoying and it drove me crazy until I learned the PMS caused weight gain. PMS can also cause joint and muscle pain. Like "yay! I know I'm about to get my period because I feel like the CRYPT KEEPER". (Pro Dad, Brother, Boyfriend tip: shut up during this time, your "funny" comments are NOT funny, order her favorite food, smile, and leave menial issues alone until this part is done).
Now that we've learned a little bit about PMS, I have some useful tips for the next time you square up with that little brat.
Girl tips:
Take some you time: you're probably not feeling your best while you're PMSing, take some time to unwind and just rest. Your girlfriends will understand and anyone without a uterus can take a seat if they have a problem.
Take a yoga class: Yoga is a great thing to pick up at any time, but when you're PMSing it can really help. I picked this tip up in middle school during lacrosse practice and it's a real life saver. My favorite is cat pose
Eat differently: We are what we eat and watching what we eat during PMS can make a huge difference! Stay away from salt because it causes bloating and avoid sugar because it adds to the fatigue. Veggies, beans, water, and low sugar dark chocolates are you PMS BFF's. Try to avoid foods that are hard to digest, it's extra work for your body and your body is already doing the most. Switch red meats and pork out for chicken or even just no meat at all this will help with constipation.
Get on the herb: Like herbal remedies; ginger, dandelion, and St. Johns wort are all a great help during PMS and your period. Believe me, I've tested them. These herbs tend to be available at local farmers markets, if you're in my area you can grab them at The Yellow Green Farmers Market!
Tips for People with no uterus
Get the dates!: Most women know their cycle and when they'll be PMSing, so just ask. If you know when it's coming you won't risk asking when she's not PMSing or asking when she is (as previously mentioned, both are a disaster). If you're scared to ask the woman you care about, phone a friend, there's a very high change that her mom, best friends, sister, cousin, or grandma knows. (Try to ask before the parting of the red sea).
Listen: Men don't listen very well, talking to you guys can often be very in one ear out the other. Sometimes I tell my dad things that are really important and he just has no idea that I'm upset and starts making jokes. It's what you guys do, it's super annoying. Just listen please, I know you guys can't relate, but like please just listen and actually retain the information. Men have evolutionary hardware that makes them tune women out, I know that, but I don't care evolution put it there and evolution can take it out and so can I'm feeling a little wild right now. Listen.
Put the top two tips together: Listening and knowing when PMS will start can take you from misogynist creep to man of the year in the eyes of a lady. My dad is good at this (shout out Mohammed!) he has six sisters and they're all headstrong sassy ladies that put their feet down. THANK GOD! He knows when to leave it alone when ice cream is the option, and how to alleviate the agony. This is all because he listens. My dad is all about the exercise and healthy eating, but he knows that PMS is a real problem and doesn't bother me about ice cream cause he listens and has the dates! He knows how to stay out of trouble. Get like my dad.
PMS can be like walking through a treacherous battleground that's on fire. However, understanding it can make that trek less aimless running around and more Khalessi
Peace out, homies. XOXO Gossip Iman
