I have a problem. Actually, let me restate that. I have a lot of problems, but this one is the one I want to talk about now because it seems important right now. My problem is this: I don’t have enough room on my phone anymore for anything. I’ve deleted most of my photos (my nudes) and apps and messages and notes and everything else and it’s all overwhelming. I’ve even deleted contacts for people I need to talk to because I care more about music than talking to people. My phone is essentially a glorified iPod at this point, so I guess its time to make some changes.

I should’ve done this a year ago, two years ago, three years ago, but I haven’t been able to conceptualize well enough in the past how I feel about the music in my library. This feels personal in different ways. One of the ways in which it feels important is the impending doom of robots taking over our lives. I suspect that this is one of the last things I’m going to have control over in my life before the robots take over and we don’t make decisions anymore. I wonder if a C-3PO type robot nerd will be there to give us the percentages of each decision we make, for instance:

Me: “Robot Nerd, should I eat this E. Claire which will give me short term happiness and satisfaction, or should I eat kale with some type of fancy vegetable which is a euphemism for left winger?”

Robot Nerd: “You should eat the Kale because it increases your daily healthy living algorithm in my computer brain. You won’t be happy, but the algorithm, bro. YOU MUST EAT THE KALE.” This seems crazy, but this is the future I’ve imagined, and I’m gonna hate it. So this music library stuff is important to me in deference to that.

I don’t have Spotify, Tidal, Apple Music, or any of those radio things, I’m classic man, using the iTunes because I’m what they call a throwback; a true iconoclast (I don’t even know what that means, but it seemed like a cool thing to say, I’m probably the Walrus or something).

They say more is more but at some point more can’t be more anymore because if you have too much more, more becomes intoxicating at which point less does really become more which means obviously that more is less. That’s where I’m at right now in my relationship with music; more is less. I need to cut down. I have 1,040 songs on my phone, I suspect I don’t need all of these. I feel as though I can survive with 940 and work up from there. The thing about music is, so long as you’re still consuming popular culture, you’re going to always be adding music. Which is what I’ve been doing since I became interested in popular culture in first grade.

I started collecting music for my iTunes Library in January of 2008, when I got an iPod for Christmas (which was a game changer). No longer was I burdened by using Windows Media Player, which only allowed me to burn discs of about 18 songs max. I had an iPod at 13 years old; back then iPod = free man. Initially I had about 100 songs and worked up from there until this point where my life and relationship with music is much like my relationship with my bedroom: far too cluttered for happiness *1.

1. Not a sex reference, though it might as well be.

Here we go, I’m going from A down, so fasten your seat belts,

1. My first casualty is Amazing Grace, I deleted it so fast I don’t even know who’s version of the song it was.
2. Ass Like That is the second to go. I bought that at a young age and thought it was funny *2.
3. Bang Bang has to go. I got that after I saw The Great Gatsby, as to why it was still on my phone four years after the fact, no comment.
4. Be My Baby by the Ronettes is a good song. I don’t want to delete it. But iTunes is telling me I’m not authorized to play it, for some reason. So consider it a casualty I’m not happy about *3.
5. I’m a fan of Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons, but I don’t really need Big Girls Don’t Cry in my life. I need not explain why.
6. Breakaway is a song I never thought I’d part ways with. It meant a lot to me when I was 17 and decided I was going to quit my high school football team. I ended up not quitting, so does it really mean that much to me? Sorry Kelly, move along.
7. Break Free has got to go (Chris Rock voice)! I’ll never be able to explain that one. Something about wanting people to think I was cool.

I thought about deleting Bubbly, but I don’t have the guts to pull the trigger. Need that song when I’m sad and it’s rainy in April.

1. I love the hook on California, she has an amazingly unique voice. Joni Mitchell sounds like I think I sound like when I’m drunk. However, most of the song is dog shit. She is kind of expressing why people hate ignorant blonde chicks, despite the fact that they’re often “nice.” Von voyage, pretty voice.
2. Zach Brown Band’s Castaway is actually a solid song. It doesn’t bring anything to the table though that I don’t already have. If I’m gonna listen to Castaway I might as well just listen to Margaritaville and there’s not enough vacation spots/tequila in the world for both of those songs to exist in the same library. Castaway dies a healthy death.
3. Cherry, Cherry is out. You can’t have that and Sweet Caroline in the same library, that’s just logic.
4. I’ve had enough of Tyler, The Creator, mostly because I’m not in high school any longer. Colossus is the result of that expression.
5. I bought Coming Home because I saw this cool Derrick Rose video where he was going to return from his knee injury and lead my Bulls back to the promise land. I need not explain more as to why this song is dying a hard death and I never wanna think about it ever again and I’m totally not crying right now.

—Do I delete Complicated? Hell no, I don’t. I still love me some Avril Lavigne.

1. Demons, by Imagine Dragons, f*** Demons by Imagine Dragons.

2. I still think its funny but it's not that funny so the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. Moving on from Ass Like That is like ditching a booty call.

3. This feels like when one of your favorite players gets injured but your team still winds up winning the championship without them; sorry, Ronettes.

Okay, normally you aren’t supposed to do this, you aren’t supposed to give up on a piece this early on in the process. You gotta see it through (I think that’s what they teach in journalism class, yes?). But I’m not gonna do that because I’m only 13 songs in and this has taken a lot out of me. What I care more about is finding out why deleting these songs feels like its important, even though it definitely would not seem important to any rational thinking human being. However, two things I am not are rational and important. So this piece feels right.

What you and my editor both thought about this piece was this: why do I care about what songs you’re deleting from your iTunes library? The answer is that we both care about this, but we care for different reasons. You care because anyone who likes these songs and thinks I shouldn’t delete them is basic *4. Also, if this is the music you like, you’re basic. But that’s okay. Basic people are usually more happy than non basics. That’s the formulaic success of McDonalds; lots of people are basic and fine with mediocre food, lets market to them. And it works, just like Break Free worked; it was a billboard hit for a moment in time. (Click here for context).

4. Yes, you can go back through the songs and start making a list.

I care about this because I’m trying to come to terms with the deep chasm in my own sole. This isn’t about music, this is about everything. Because nothing is ever itself exclusively. A hot tub isn’t just a tub with warm water, it's a place to hangout, it’s a place to have fruity cocktails, it's a place to contemplate how your life could be worse while not being pleased with how it is currently *5. Most importantly, it's a place to have sex. Sometimes, a hot tub is a place for all those things at the same time. Thus, the hot tub becomes a representative for so many more experiences than just it’s most basic function. This is how mostly everything works: Racism, sexism, perfume, etc… Racism isn’t just one specific thing that people deal with, it operates in many different ways. It’s the systemic effects; black people are far more likely to be segregated into poorer areas with less jobs available, less good jobs available, less ancillary benefits as far as resources are concerned, less of a chance at a good education, more violence due to being in a poorer area, more likely to get stopped by the police (nothing good comes out of that for black people). It’s also the lingering irritating, slowly debilitating reality of having people see you and walk across the street, (for black women) having too spend so much time and energy on your hair just to seem acceptable in the part of culture that gets you jobs and gives you the chance at earning a living. I’m not James Baldwin here, I missed a lot of stuff there, I’m just trying to make the point that nothing exists in a vacuum.

5. I have a theory that nobody that’s in a hot tub is actually happy.

This isn’t about my music library only, this is about graduating college in May and moving on from a part of my life. I remember when I graduated high school and moved back home to Chicago, it felt like I closed chapter one in the book of my life. These last 4 years have been wild; I came in looking like blond JFK, wanting to be a journalist on 60 Minutes, and I’m leaving with hair and an attitude that is the furthest thing from that; in some respects you could say that a comedian is the opposite of a journalist. So that’s the space I exist in as I prepare to exit stage right in May; I’m the opposite of what I came in as. Turning the last page of chapter two.

If I reverse engineer my life this whole thing makes sense. I never should’ve purchased any of these songs for $1.30. That’s $130 I’ll never get back *6. But at a point in time purchasing each one of these songs made all the sense in the world to me, just like wearing a suit every day was my identity for my early college years. I’m all but certain that I’m going to look back at what I’m doing at this moment of time and probably scoff. That bothers me. Less because I feel like I’m doing shit wrong right now and more because this is the first time in my life where I’m scared to see where I’m going.

6. and could’ve given to a homeless person who definitely could’ve used it in a better way

I’m moving soon and downsizing, moving on from both things and people. A great philosopher once said these things are seasons and also happening for a reason

7. I don’t believe in that kind of stuff, though. I just can’t wrap my mind around the idea that this is planned out and happening for some larger reason. It all seems more random than that, like we’re here on accident.

The great Kanye West, Yeezus, etc… (1:05)

Change and moving on seems natural, especially given that I do it a lot (we all do). It is however, the part of life that I least enjoy. Deleting all these songs and getting ready for change has made me realize that without a doubt, becoming an adult is the worst decision I’ve ever made. Overall I’d say this getting older experience is a net negative. It feels good to delete these songs and have more space on my phone, but I feel worse off after doing it. It’s as if I’m getting older and things are getting better but things are getting more complicated and worse at the same time. I’m winning the battle, and losing the war. Mostly because, it’s an impossible war to win.