The holidays stress me out for so many reasons, it's hard to pin them the down or even try to figure them out. When I was young, I think it was worse. I was shuffled between my mom and dad's house, depending on where I had been the previous year. And this isn't counting the grandparents. My mom would buy my dad a Christmas present and give it to my brother and I, we'd walk down to my dad's house (they were a block apart growing up), and we'd sit there for a couple of hours. We'd watch our half-brother open a ton of gifts. Then, my brother and I would be presented with my dad's Christmas work party kid gift. With the exception of the tennis racket year, we received a new Nerf football each year. I love football. My brother and I would play catch with it all the way home.

It became more and more painful as we grew up. My dad would ask, "How old are you now?" I never knew for sure whether or not he was joking or trying to make conversation. When I was in college, he'd joke, "I read a book once." I never knew what to say to this, "Um, good job?" I had to read like three a night as an English minor. I don't know why I sort of felt like he was making light of my studies, it didn't matter because I was too busy feeling guilty I was spending part of the holidays at the wrong home, with the wrong family member. I didn't know where I was supposed to be. Often it caused debilitating headaches.

Now I stress for different reasons. I guess they are more adult reasons. I am stressed about the weather, will I be able to make it home? Or will it snow on the pass I have to drive over and make it impossible to even get there? I stress about the amount and number of gifts I need to get and the time I have to get them. I know Christmas and the holidays isn't supposed to be about the gifts...but this part probably stresses me out the most. In some ways, not much as changed. Over the years, I have created my own family, because as an adult, this is one of rights we have. We get to be with the people who love us and make us happy. I stress about the time I have and who and when I spend time with. Is it enough? Is anyone feeling left out or slighted?

My brother is coming and I haven't seen him in five years, will it be awkward? All of my grandparents are gone now and driving around my hometown is painful still. It seems like I can't find a street that doesn't hold some memory of my grandmothers, who were so important to me. I find myself driving by their homes, they don't look the same of course. And I cry driving past them. Christmas was the best with my grandmas. And of course as kids, in the moment, we don't realize how great those times are, until they are gone.

The holidays have changed for me, I guess I'm at the age where I no longer value things as much as I value people and memories. Time. Experiences. These are what I want this holiday season and less stress. I don't know if I can figure out a way to make the holidays less stressful. But I do know that I can be more appreciative of who and what I have. My blessings are the best gift. I don't need the holidays to be humbled by all I have.

This holiday season, see if you can be present for your friends and family, unwrap memories and experiences, not material items/gifts. The best give you can give is the gift of your presence, not a bunch of presents.