Having a baby is hard at any age, especially when you're young and in college. While most people are established and have some sort of savings, and a house when they have kids; I was living with my fiance in my bedroom at my parents house. We knew kids were going to be a part of our plan, but I had also been told I would never get pregnant on my own. At 17 I'd been diagnosed with severe Endometriosis, and told I would have to have fertility intervention. So when I got pregnant four months after taking an IUD out we were completely shocked. I remember looking at the positive test and sobbing at my surprise pregnancy. Fast forward 38 weeks later, after 11 hours of active labor and an hour of pushing as they handed me the purple crying blob I had been waiting all of those months for and I sobbed again because I'd never seen anything so perfect in my life.

The first few months were easy. Brad and I changed on and off every three to four hours feeding him. The thing they don't tell you is newborns really are "easy". They don't do anything but sleep and ours only cried when he was hungry. We really didn't see his eyes for at least two weeks, that's how much he slept. Even though they don't do much you find yourself fascinated with them. Every moan or breath you hear melts your heart and you often find yourself peeking on them when their sleeping. Bain slept in a pack n play next to our bed for the first two months. Every night when we'd put him down i'd stay up just to look at him while he slept. Being a new parent means everything scares you. Bain was constipated a few days after being home and I never thought I'd be so excited for someone else to poop. He squealed and squirmed and sobbed these gut wrenching sobs while he was trying to go, and I remember holding him and sobbing right along with him because I was so scared. Even worse than being scared is being unsure. New babies make you question everything you do; are they eating too much, too little, too many times a day? Should they have a jacket on top of the fleece jammies, or will he be too warm? Its maddening.

One minute you're holding a newborn and the next your straddling a wiggling monster. Bain went from lying still while we changed him to having to hold him by one leg because he was trying too hard to flee. I'm not sure what babies are always in a hurry for but when they start moving on their own and sitting up they always have some place very important to be. I always heard about people who let their babies roll of the bed, and i thought that was crazy. "Who leaves their infant on a bed to roll off?" I would scoff. One day a very immobile baby Bain was watching Mickey Mouse while I showered. He managed to roll of the bed, and even though he wasn't hurt I felt like such a failure. I had become that mom that let their child roll off the bed. Babies have all these milestones that most people who don't have children think are dumb. When they clap for the first time or laugh really hard, it literally feels like you've won the Nobel prize of parenting. When Bain was about six months he started clapping and moving with music and I remember feeling so accomplished. I also remember feeling a little sad. It sounds selfish but I can remember holding that little ball of smooshy newborn and with every milestone he was less smoosh and more toddler. I'll admit to crying a few times when he didn't want to be held, it shot through me like a fricken lightening bolt.

In the first year Bain has clapped, smiled, laughed, fallen, and crawled. He dances while holding something, eats everything, and binge watches Baby Channel. I have held a newborn, a sick baby, a crying baby, and now as he approaches that big ONE: a toddler. I've given roughly 300 or so bathes, gone through 100 tubs of formula and over 2000 diapers. I went from being excited for Friday nights because we could go out and binge drink, to being excited for snuggley weekends and zoo trips. Everyone told us our lives would be turned up side down when we had a baby and that couldn't be a truer statement. We don't get enough sleep, or alone time, and often times when we do get to be alone we're to tired for sex. But we get baby snuggles, and the opportunity to watch cartoons without judgement. It's not always perfect, we fight more and we sleep less, we've been puked on, pooped on, and seen diapers that will make you seriously question your life choices. It's hard and not everyone can do it. But for every bad day there are 15 good ones. This year was by far the hardest of my life, but it was also the greatest. I cried a lot, and i had to learn a lot of new things. But I'm sad it's gone by so fast, I'm guilty of missing my fresh newborn. But I couldn't be anymore excited for whats next for my wiggly, little, Bain Arthur Day.