In the wake of the Orlando shooting in June, I said something that I need to take back, that I need to hold myself accountable for. I need to take it back not because I said it out of anger, hatred, or what have you, but out of ignorance. It’s incredibly hard to look at yourself in the mirror and admit that you’ve done wrong, but it must be done.
I wrote in my article that “I will not say we have a gun problem. I will not say we have a race problem, an LGBT problem, or a sexism problem. We have a hate problem…” While the point I was trying to make still holds true – that hatred of any person or group of people or culture for any reason, most especially the way they look, who they choose to love, worship, etc. is absolutely unacceptable and must be stopped – in doing so, I devalued every experience and struggle of those groups, even some of my own, in the same way that #alllivesmatter devalues #blacklivesmatter and the experiences of the black community in America every day. I devalued those experiences because in trying to make a point on a wider scope, I ignored the fact that we DO indeed have those problems.
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Growing up white, middle class, in suburban Massachusetts, this was foreign to me. I’ve always prided myself on being a very open-minded, friendly, loving, caring person, regardless of another’s race, religion, sex, gender, etc. BUT this doesn’t mean that I have not made assumptions, conscious or subconscious, about another person based on those qualities. And it doesn’t matter how well-intentioned I am, because it is simply NOT RIGHT to perpetuate stereotypes even if only in my own mind. And damn, is this hard for me to confront.
So why write about this instead of simply making these changes in my own life and moving on? Because my privilege has afforded me a voice that many will listen to without bias and it is my duty to do SOMETHING to try and make this country – and world – a better, safer, more loving place for the entirety of human race. We’ve all heard at least some variation of a quote that more or less goes “All it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing” and I think it’s time we privileged folk take that to heart. So how?
Well, that’s a good question and I’m still no expert. But first and foremost:
1) Whenever you find yourself making an assumption of another based on their race, religion, sex, etc. take a step back and ask yourself where that assumption is coming from, whether or not it's fair/substantiated, and how making that assumption affects that person.
It ain’t easy to catch yourself, but the more you make a conscious effort to do so, the better you’ll be at it. Full disclosure: I’ve found myself lately noticing how nicely I’m treating someone of color (i.e. a cashier, someone standing in line with me at Starbucks, or sitting next to me on a train, etc.) and had to step back and recognize that “holy crap, I’m going out of my way to be nicer to this person than I would if they were white, because I don’t want them to think I’m racist.” That’s when I need to REALLY check myself, because guess what? That in itself is racism, because I’m making an assumption about the way that person thinks based on their skin color.
2) Look up and read about microagression.
That’s exactly what I was doing by being extra nice to a person of color. Racism – or sexism, or ageism, or classism, and the list goes on – is not always a blatant and intentional thing, but is, and I argue most often, the unintentional comments, assumptions, and treatment of others we make that perpetuates that -ism. Prime examples are the media’s comments during the Rio Olympics made about female athletes and #everydaysexism. If you haven’t already heard about that, look that up, too. Female athletes are constantly talked about in the media in reference to their marital or parental status or the way they look as opposed to solely their athletic ability and accomplishments.
3) Stop using #alllivesmatter.
Yes, all lives do matter – or at least, they SHOULD. But that’s not what’s happening in our country right now, whether you like it or not. So just stop. I’ve personally never used any version of the lives matter hashtags – I think because I’ve been afraid to get caught in anyone’s crossfire- but in keeping out of that entirely, I’ve been contributing just as equally to the problem. And by using #alllivesmatter we are overlooking the fact that Black Lives Matter is aimed towards raising awareness in our country that the way people of color are STILL treated in this country is as inferior to the white middle and upper class citizens that dictate so much of our society.
4) Look beyond black and white.
We’ve been so focused on Black Lives Matter and police violence toward black men and women that we’re also ignoring the struggles of every other race and ethnicity in this country. We’re the most diverse country in the world because of our high immigrant past – and present – but probably by and large one of the most prejudiced because of our inability to look beyond what we know. Don’t quote me on that as it’s my own opinion and not based on fact and research, but I wager that it’s a pretty valid guess. And by making this article focus on only racism I would be contributing to that problem, so the truth is, we people of privilege also need to take mindful steps toward understanding that in this country we also have problems accepting that valuing human life means valuing the struggles of people of all skin tones, ethnicities, religions, sex, gender, gender-identity, sexual orientation, and so on and so forth. Focusing only on black and white devalues the experiences of anyone else in that list.
There’s so much more we can do that I don’t even know about, but if anything, please undertake those four things. By ignoring the problems we face in this country and saying, “well, it doesn’t affect me,” we’re only making it worse. Be a part of the change, starting with you. Educate yourself, speak up when you notice something wrong, or someone saying something wrong, regardless of YOUR own background or level of privilege, because all it takes for prejudice to maintain its hold on our society is for those who don’t experience it to ignore it.
I’m attempting to hold myself accountable for my actions, thoughts, and words, and I’m attempting to educate myself on the issues that surround us before passing judgment, which is how we’re supposed to, but seldom do, behave. And don’t get me wrong, part of me is terrified to publish this, because the last thing I want is for anyone to think less of me, but I need to start using my voice where it matters. I’ve come to realize that I never- or at least rarely- express my opinion on matters like this, because I’m afraid of that backlash, but how else am I supposed to learn if I don’t talk to others about it? We must face our challenges with humility, an open mind, and a willingness to change and admit when we’re wrong about something. If we can’t do that, then all is lost.
