I never thought about making this public until after I wrote it. I have been writing in a journal for years and this is the first entry I am making public. This is very personal, but I know someone out there could relate. It gets better, it really does.

Thank you for finally letting go.

I knew I was not going to for a long time. I need you to know that I tried so hard to make things work, even though it may not have seemed like it to you. You were my first for everything, especially love, of course, I never wanted to let you go. You were my best friend for years. You used to know every detail about me, and I will always remember every detail about you. I do not think I will ever stop loving or caring about you. I am so glad we moved on. We both deserve to forget about the past and find someone new. But you need to know this; you ruined me.

You mentally and emotionally abused me in ways I did not think were possible. I took me a long time to realize that this was mental abuse. I tried so hard to hold on. You manipulated me, you made me feel guilty every second I was not with you. You depended on me so much for everything. I know you were coming out of something that seriously negatively impacted your life for the past 4 years, I know it was hell, but you expected me to seriously fix all of it. You expected me to make you feel happy constantly and I am so sorry I could not give that to you.

I never wanted to give up. I wanted to be with you forever, or at least I thought I did. I wanted to be with you for so long, I did not want to give up so easily, so I didn’t. I was a high school student that needed to have a job to save money and you were just starting your college career. I took on a big responsibility with something that I was so happy to be doing, and you did not understand that. All that you saw was that it was taking time away from you and it was awful. That is not how it had to be. I planned on making it work, but you didn’t trust me and fought about it every second you could. Hanging out a few days a week was not enough for you during the school year. It was so toxic, but not everything was bad.

There was good in our relationship and that’s why I held on so long. You knew by the way I spelled a word through a text or by the way I looked at you, something was wrong and you did everything you could to make me feel better. You knew exactly how to comfort me when times were tough and you knew when all I needed was for you to just hold me. I loved you for that. No matter how the day went with us, we never failed to say goodnight, unless one of us accidentally fell asleep.

Throughout all the good, the constant battles took a very serious toll on me. You tried to change me as a person, change how I lived my life, for your benefit. When things could not go your way it was all my fault. You thought you could do whatever you wanted, say whatever you wanted to me and get away with it. You were so demanding. You never respected what I said.

You lied to me.

You portrayed me as the worst girlfriend ever to your friends. Which today, is the reason why I am living in a constant fear that everyone in my life always has something negative to say about me and everything I do. Even the closest people in my life. That might not be happening, but that is what my brain is telling me and it will not stop. I feel like I’m always doing something wrong and I can not please anyone. That I’m always the bad guy that has nothing good to say to anyone. That nobody wants me around. No matter how hard I think I'm trying, it is not good enough for anyone. I eventually realized it’s because of you. You always told me you kept your friends out of the relationship and I knew that was all lies. That was probably the biggest lie you always told me, but part of me back then wanted to believe that you were telling the truth.

You broke promises. No matter how many times I broke up with you because I could not handle it anymore, I always came back to you. In the end, you were the one that left. I always came back to you no matter what. I do admit I pushed myself away from you, but it’s only because you acted like you didn’t care about me anymore, which you probably didn’t, but for some reason still kept me around in the back.

I was your little secret.

You kept me from people, your friends. When we would hang out, you wouldn’t tell anyone or even make it known to anyone because you did not want anyone to know we were still hanging out months after we officially broke up. I started pretending like I did not care about you and to be honest, it was really hard at first. After a while, it started to work. I did not care what you said to me, I didn’t care what you said to other people about me, it didn’t affect me anymore, or at least I tried to. I realized that I knew the honest truth about us and that is all that mattered. I moved on and I’ve never felt better in my life.

It was only until months after things were officially over that I realized you mentally and emotionally abused me. It was when I finally moved on. I found someone perfect for me. But it’s all your fault I can’t let this person in. He is so perfect to me in every way possible and he is doing nothing wrong. I’m terrified he is going to get sick of me all of a sudden and leave me, just like you did. I’m convinced he doesn’t even like me because of you. That he’s only in it for his benefits, just like you. Even though you never cheated on me, I am terrifed that he has some girl on the side, just like you did, even though you never admitted it to me. No matter how many times he says he won’t leave, I don’t believe him, because of you. I’m expecting him to leave me at any moment so I just push myself away any chance I get because that is what happened with you.

You and I became so distant and there was no explanation for it, so whenever you felt like talking to me, I just seemed mad or uninterested because I was pushing myself away from you. I convinced myself it hurt less that way but I was wrong. Now I apologize for everything I do not to everyone because that is what I had to do with you. I always think I am doing something wrong or not enough. I always thought I will never find anyone to love again because of you because I am terrified to.

There are so many people out there like you and there are so many people dealing with the aftermath like me. I’ve convinced myself that my family, my friends and him are better off without me because they do not deserve to have to deal with my screwed up mind. I soon realized that if they did not want to be with me, they wouldn’t.

It is going to take a long time for your voice to go away in my head. It’s going to take me a long time to fully trust someone again. You made me such a miserable person.

Our relationship was a learning experience for the both of us. There is no doubt we loved one another, but the next love will be even better. They will help us get better and recover.

You were my best friend, but you put me through hell. I will always care for you and I think I will never stop loving you somewhere in my heart. But I can never go back again. Not even as friends, not even trying to be civil with you if I have to. I just can't and I'm sorry. Just now right now. There are mental scars that will not go away and I can't pretend like you didn't ruin my life. I'm trying to pretend like you do not exist because that is what is best for me right now.

You were my best friend, but you put me through hell. I will always care for you and I think I will never stop loving you somewhere in my heart, but I can never go back again. Not even as friends, not even trying to be civil with you if I have to. I just can’t and I’m sorry. Just not right now.There are mental scars that will not go away and I can’t pretend like you didn’t ruin my life. I’m trying to pretend like you do not exist because that is what is best for me right now.

I’m sorry.

I wish you the best.