I love you both very much, and I know how it must be hard to understand. I just really wish you could.
Dear Mom & Dad,
I know it was hard raising me, and I know you both had different techniques. I don't blame either of you for anything; I just blame myself. I wish you could understand; I really wish you could. I wish I could have ran into your bed on those nights and felt your arms around me. I really wish I could have explained the pain... the pain I couldn't even explain to myself. I wish I had a reason to give to you both; I wish I could of told you what was wrong.
When I said "I don't know," I really meant "I don't know."
Those nights alone in my room, those times I slammed the door. I'm sorry. I wasn't a problem child, I was a child with a problem. I just wish you could have addressed it to me. I wish you could have agreed. I sat every night with a huge bear staring into my eyes about to maul me, and you would close the light and say that he's just in my imagination.
My imagination? We go to church every Sunday and pray to someone we do not see, but when I try to explain a feeling that I can't physically see you ignore it. You ignore the pain, you ignore my suffering, and you ask me what is wrong.
I don't know.
Dad, I wish I could tell you. I know you want an answer, and If I could find one I will be sure to give it to you, but I just can't. I can't tell you why I scream into my pillow at night and why my face is covered in runny makeup. No dad, it isn't because of a boy at school, and no I'm not being bullied.
Mom, I know you want me to be the best I can be, and I hope you know I try. It's just that I am not the best. There are better, but I don't want you disappointed. I'm constantly cutting off my edges trying to be the perfect circle you want, but I'm far from it. I'm a square. I'm clawing at myself trying to find perfection. I'm trying to make you proud, but I just can't.
I know you both love me so much, and I know I was a hassle. I'm trying to be better, but I wish you could understand why I cry myself to sleep. I wish you could be there to hug me when I need it. Don't ask why, who, when or how; just hug me. I wish you could leave me alone when I need it. I know you don't understand what it feels like to be your room yet see mirrors all around you reflecting the hideous image you face everyday. I know you don't understand how it feels to carry a case of broken promises and empty dreams on your back everywhere. I do know you love me. It's always kept me strong. I just wish you could step into my shoes one day, and maybe view my outbursts you call weaknesses as strengths.
I wish you could understand what it is like to be depressed.
Love,
Your Treasure.
