I didn’t know how to start this article. I tried starting off with some facts and statistics about suicide. I tried starting off with the truth of life after suicide. I even tried to start with what made certain people choose certain methods but none of them seemed right. I eventually figured that the best way to get into this topic was to try, as herculean a task this is, to give a look into the life of someone who has attempted.

Hopelessness is an interesting - terrible, but interesting thing to deal with. Feelings like grief and anguish are passionate emotions. You can’t feel either of those unless you care deeply about something and it is through that caring where hope can live. To be hopeless though is to lose the will to do anything. You stop trying to be happy, you stop trying to make an effort and every failure is doubled with the inability to try and make life better. In the beginning you try and fight it. You try and open yourself up to emotions but you quickly learn that any flicker of positivity you might find is immediately suffocated by a seemingly never ending tide of numbness. You find yourself sleepwalking through your day. Some people will notice and try to figure out what’s wrong but what once would have made you feel loved are now empty words you hardly register. You’ve become worthless.

Once you’ve reached this point, you’re on the clock. Sometimes it happens immediately, other times it happens after a few months, but sooner or later you will make what seems like the rational next step and decide to kill yourself. Some use the convenient method, they find a razor blade or some pills, while others try not to be a bother and hang themselves or jump off a bridge far away from their loved ones. The truth is, if you survive, it is purely by chance. Guns jam, ropes break, and you will see it as the ultimate cosmic joke for what kind of failure can’t even kill themselves? You will make a decision at this point. Thankfully, you will most likely decide to hold off on suicide for a while but for those that don’t, their story ends here.

The next few months will make you wish you had died. All those emotions you had numbed yourself to come flooding back in a matter of days. Shame for trying to kill yourself, failure for not being able to even do that right and rage at the world that led to these circumstances. Instigating and prodding these emotions are the constant reminders of your failed suicide. On your wrists you’ll carry scars from the razor, your neck and back will ache from the hanging, your health will diminish from the cocktail of drugs you put in your system and the world will try its absolute hardest to remind you of your actions. Your friends will post Instagram pictures of their hikes, unknown that the rope is still hanging from a branch in the background. You will constantly find yourself passing the room you almost overdosed in and every time you take a shower you can almost imagine the blood pouring down the drain. You will eventually get past this though. Some people turn to their God, others rest on their friends and family, while others simple accept their mistake and realize there’s no point in trying again. You’ve survived Hell but you’re not out of the woods yet.

Hope will eventually return, in some way or form it will return and you will never forget the moment it does. For some people it comes bit by bit. You’ll notice the good things in life, you’ll have what you dare to call fun and bit by bit you will begin to feel like a person again. For others it comes as a crashing wave. You’ll be sitting on a bench and you’ll see something as simple as a child running after a dog before completely losing it. You’ll cry in a way you’ve never cried before retreating to somewhere private because you don’t want someone to see you poorly handle an emotion you haven’t had in months.

Congratulations, you’ve made it but you’ll never be the same. You’ve regained a sense of hope and you will slowly build your life again but not without its challenges. The date of your attempt will always hang over you, like the most somber anniversary ever, and every bout of depression you face has a greater chance of sending you spiraling again. Most suicide attempts will leave you physically weakened as well. Slit wrists can permanently damage nerves, hangings can damage the neck and back, while jumping and overdosing can lead to horrifying physical ailments. However, there will be a silver lining, you have become a better person. You’re nicer, you’re more attentive, you compliment people more and will go to extraordinary lengths to make people feel good because you don’t want those you care about to experience what you did.

I don’t know why you decided to read this article. Perhaps it was the title, someone sent you a link, or maybe you’re just bored. However, if you are reading this and contemplating suicide I am begging you, on my hands and knees, to reconsider. Life is hard and I know that everyone has their specific pains to deal with but I can tell you that life won’t improve if you’re not there to make it so. No matter how small you may feel, how unimportant or mistreated, there are people who love you and you will be missed.