I have always been a person who has found myself alone. Perhaps it is my own fault. I have always traveled growing up, usually on my own, and I gave up a lot of things in order to find time to work to pay for my next adventure. I missed out on parties and prom and all of my school’s football games. Part of it was because of my boyfriend. He lived thousands of miles away and it had always seemed so important to me that I went and saw him or that he came to see me at least once or twice a year. Part of it was because I was cynical, and I never minded missing those events because I had never been blessed with having good friends.
The friends I did have were the kind who ditched me, or left plans to get together unplanned, or ignored my messages when I’d try to reach out. The kind of friends who talked about me behind my back and possibly started rumors about me in school, or at the very least laughed along as others picked on me. The kind of friends who abused me, both mentally and sexually.
And at the end of the day the worst part was always the fact that it never came from the people I expected it to come from (okay, sometimes it did), but instead from the people who I thought I could count on. And at the end of the day, I always found myself alone.
It’s an awful feeling not to belong, or to feel alone. It is a feeling that I’m sure many are familiar with. A feeling that begins to weigh heavily on a person’s subconscious and starts to affect their life and the choices they make. The days begin to blur together and the importance of anything other than sleep starts to slip away. And it would pain me to see all the people I used to call friends out enjoying life while I was tucked away battling inner demons that they created inside my head and nursing sounds that would never fully heal.
But I decided right now, as I write this on a lonely Sunday morning after a weekend scattered with cancelled plans, that I would not become another enemy to myself. That I would instead become a friend. I did so by writing a brutally honest letter to me, from me.
An Open (and Painfully Honest) Letter to Myself,
The world is not out to get you, despite what you may think, and neither are the individuals in the world. The world sucks for everybody and the people in it will target anyone; you just happened to be the one that got in their way. The best way to make yourself feel better about any situation is to behave better. You do not act like the person you are, but the person you strive to be.
Step One:You Need to Sleep Better. Let’s be honest, locking yourself away in your room seems like an easy way to get a good ten, twelve, fifteen hours of sleep in. But you’re not actually getting good sleep. All you’re doing is closing your eyes and avoiding the world. And by the time night falls around – when is when you should be sleeping, in case you’ve forgotten – you’re wide awake and ready to think about all the depressing things that your mind can come up with. It’s time to ditch the all-nighters. Go to bed at a reasonable hour (not 4.30 in the morning), get your sleep and when you wake up be ready to be up all day.
(Helpful tip: avoid drinking 3 cups of coffee after 5pm.)
Step Two:You Should Also Probably Eat Better. I know when you’re stressed and depressed you tend to stop eating because you’re mentally exhausted and can’t be bothered to eat something. Eat something anyway. You’re withering away and your family is becoming a little concerned for you. Stop making them worry and start eating again. You starving yourself isn’t helping anyone, especially not yourself.
(Helpful tip: This does not mean go to the store and purchase all the rice kripsy treats and eat them in one sitting – no matter how good they are.)
Step Three:Lay Off Your Boyfriend, Would You? He’s thousands of miles away in a city where he is constantly busy and has the kind of good friends that you have always wanted and he still texts you all the time and calls you so you don’t feel lonely. I know, it feels condescending and you feel like a loser every time he goes out and you’re in your room doing homework and watching celebrity interviews because someone made plans with you and then decided to leave you hanging… again.
It’s so easy to be resentful and feel like he’s off having a great time without you. Stop. He got lucky and you didn’t, and even if it’s been a long 5 years and you both have made plenty of mistakes, he’s still a good guy. More importantly, he’s your best friend, maybe the only real one you’ll ever get in life. Don’t shut him out just because you’re hurting.
(Helpful tip: I know, his jokes are really badly timed sometimes and annoying. He loves you. Don’t forget you love him too. Give him a laugh, that’s all he wants.)
Step Four: (Thank your pops for this one; he really is one of the most important men in your life.) Take Your Worries, Put ‘Em in a Box, Put ‘Em on a Shelf. Life is complicated, you of all people know this. Your whole life has been a web of awkward moments and complicated situations. Stop stressing about it. Talk about how you feel, make a decision and then put it to rest.
Yes, your boyfriend did incredibly stupid thing. You talked about it and you’re still together, so stop worrying about it. Yes, you really did say that embarrassing thing to that person (really, what were you doing?) But you apologized for your truly offensive mouth and now it’s behind you, so stop thinking about it. Yes, you really did get into a fight with that girl (and damn, was your attitude on point). But it’s over, so stop stressing about it. You will never get anything done if you spend all day thinking about the past.
(Helpful tip: Delete and block those people on social media. Social media platforms are for sharing moments of your life with family and friends. If you aren’t related, and they ain’t your friends, then they gotta go.)
Step Five:Through Thick and Thin, Family Always Wins. Count on your family. I know, the last time you counted on (insert name here) they totally let you down. But those people who act like your “sister/bro” aren’t actually your family. And I don’t know if you know this, or maybe you just forget sometimes, but your family loves you. Like a lot.
You and your mom get on each other’s nerves, but she’s still your best friend. You got her looks, her sense of humor and her strong personality. You’re basically two sides of the same coin. And your dad might be too much into your business too many times, but he means well and you know you wouldn’t want anyone else looking out for you. Your brother is an odd one, let’s face it. Sometimes you have no idea what he’s going on about or why he’s so excited about something that you think is stupid. But he’s your baby brother (even if it is only by a couple of months and now he’s taller than you) and you grew up next to him playing video games all night or sledding out in the snow, and you’d take a bullet for that kid. And even if he doesn’t say it, he’d do the same for you,
Your sweet grandma and your lovely aunts and cousins have never wanted anything more than to see you happy. Count on your family. Cause at the end of the day, when all seems like a lost cause and you feel alone, you’ll still have them. And sometimes, that’s all you need.
(Helpful tip: your grandma loves when you text her, even if you’ve got nothing to talk about.)
Step Six:Stop Thinking About Other People. Stop worrying about the friends that blow you off, or the birthday parties you never had, or the girl you got into a fight with, or the people who drop you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. They’re not thinking about you. They never are and they never will. They have more important things to think about, like how they’re going to screw over the next person who tries to be nice to them. Brush yourself off, don’t you dare cry and don’t let them see that they got to you.
Life is too short. So go kick some ass kid.
Sincerely,
A friend
