First off, I’d like to say that I miss you. The fact that I’m now an atheist doesn’t change my endearing love for you. I love you. I cannot emphasize enough how much I truly still love you. I miss so many aspects of the Church, and I’m not afraid to admit that. I especially miss the community and the merriment we shared in. I miss those long, heartfelt talks. I miss the fun of it all. And most of all, I miss you, my dear friend — if I still may have the honor of referring to you as such. You can still have me if you want me.

Do I want to go back to the Church we all once loved so fervently, though? Well, no. Not entirely. That matter is another issue in of itself. Notwithstanding, I don’t think I ever could and be concurrently, fully honest with myself. That is, not unless I can find a plethora of information that not only helps me reconcile with multiple teachings, proof of miracles, etc. but to fully accept these claims as well. I will concede that I developed many great skills and learned valuable lessons through my experiences with the Church. Many of my morals still draw their source from my encounters with you and our priests, deacons, pastors, sisters, youth ministers, etc.

Nonetheless, I do want to make it clear that I could and would have developed such skills and morals from other places. If I may say so myself, I'm a very determined individual, and my moral compass is usually pointed in generally the right direction. I don't feel like I need a book from the Bronze and Iron Ages to tell me how to act, feel, think, etc. Even so, I am so incredibly grateful to the people that taught me these skills and lessons that I've carried with me over the years.

Regardless of the fact I don't want to go back, I’d still love to meet up with you for a cup of coffee, or a meal, or a movie night, or anything you’d like, honestly. And if you invite me to church, I will go at least once. It’s a general personal rule I’ve assigned to myself since shedding my faith that I have to keep myself in check and my mind open. My only requirement with this is that I want the opportunity to have an open dialogue with you and the pastor afterwards.

I just need you to know that I’m sorry. I’m so so remorseful at how cowardly I’ve been. I was absolutely petrified at the idea of being rejected by you who I held and still hold so close to my heart. I was so apprehensive, in fact, that instead I let the friendships fade, which to me, is almost worse than what I saw as the worst case scenario: I ended up essentially losing you as a friend anyway.

Furthermore, I wish we could go back to how things were, but I still think we can be close friends again regardless of our differences. I’m willing to have open dialogues about everything and anything, though I’d advise against bringing up our formerly shared faith in Christ, only because I still fear for how you would react to hearing how I now view these matters and think it should at least wait. However, if you’d like to discuss that, I’m open to it. I only ask that you hear me out, and I will do the same for you. The goal should only be to express ourselves, not to have an all-out quarrel.

I understand that for many of you that I’ve lost contact with, the main thing that we had in common and that brought us together was our love for Christ. I understand that it may seem like it would be hard to reconnect now, but we’re both humans. We’re all, as Carl Sagan once put it, "made of starstuff"—we both experience pain, joy, love, anger, fear. It may not seem like there is much common ground between us anymore, but I assure you, we will find a way to make this work if we truly wish for it to be.

I also understand that it may be depressing or distressing for you to know that I'm now an atheist. This is another reason I didn't want to "come out" to you. I didn't want to break your heart.

And trust me, I know. What started my journey to what I call my "deconversion" was actually my ardent attempt to convert one of my best friends, a fellow atheist. I understand how much of a true nightmare that fear that I'm going to go to Hell must be for you.

If it gives you any comfort, back when I was a Catholic, I looked at it as Pope Francis did when he said "we all have a duty to do good. And this commandment for everyone to do good, I think, is a beautiful path towards peace. If we, each doing our own part, do good to others, if we meet there, doing good, and we go slowly, gently, little by little, we will make that culture of encounter that so much. We must meet one another doing good. ‘But I don’t believe, Father, I am an atheist!’ But do good: we will meet one another there."

Now don't get me wrong, I fully understand he wasn't saying that just by good works I can get into Heaven, but what he said was a start and it gives me hope that hey, maybe if I'm wrong after all, and God actualy is good, I'll still have a chance. So maybe you can view it like that.

As an alternative, you can look at James 4:12: "There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you--who are you to judge your neighbor?" Maybe instead of assuming the worst, you can have hope. That's kind of supposed to be your thing, is it not? Now, I'm not saying atheists, agnostics, Humanists, Buddhists, Jews, Muslims, etc. can't have hope, No, not at all. I find the idea of Christians coveting a monopoly on hope to be rather asinine. I think everyone can and should have hope. But as a Christian, you're supposed to have hope in Christ, correct? Well, if he's an all-loving God, maybe I've got a chance, then?

Besides, should you really be worrying so much about me? Philippians 4:6-7 says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

And as far as judging where I'm going, what about what Jesus himself said about judging others in Matthew 7:1-5? "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."

My point is, don't worry about me. Please. I want to be friends without your pity or concern or constant proselytizing. I'm doing what I can on this journey of life and self-discovery to find the right answers. If you're wholly correct, then I avidly hope that someday I'll discover that. If not, I say I agree with the Pope that we should all simply strive to do good regardless of differences.

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I still care for you. I beg of you to please, please, please understand this. As previously stated, my distancing myself from you was purely an act of timidity and cowardice, not hatred or indifference. Please know that even if we never have those discussions that lasted till late into the night or anything similar again, or if we never even reconnect, I am saying with unadulterated conviction right now my arms are still wide open. I will always still cherish our times together. Finally, and most importantly, I will still always love you.