Dear girls,

I forgive you.

You never asked for forgiveness, but I like to think that you are sorry. So I do forgive you, but I want you to know that I will never forget. I know we were young, but some of the words you called me are still engraved to my brain and come to haunt me when I least expect it. I suffered deeply. I still suffer trying to make myself believe that I am not what I was called. I am not boring or a waste of space. I am not ugly, scrawny, or unimportant. I know that because my Father in heaven thinks I am beautiful and special and a whole lot of fun, and to be honest, His opinion is all that matters to me.

Even though deep in my heart I know I am not all those things, I still go through bad days where I deeply doubt myself. My mind will turn as gray as stepped on sand and a tornado of memories starts to roll around. To this day, I look in the mirror and have to reassure myself that I look fine. Every time that somebody tells me I am worthy of love, I have to convince myself that they are not lying. I will recall that time where you locked me in the bathroom for the whole night and laughed at me. Another memory that blows around like a fallen tree is when you would not acknowledge me at all, refuse to let me play with you, sit with you, or talk to you. And you would also make fun of me for tucking my shirt into the uniform pants, which was a school rule. But now I see pictures on Facebook of your high-waisted pants with your shirts tucked in, and I just think, "Oh, how times have changed."

For when you made fun of me for reading books, I forgive you. My freshman year of college, I was admitted into an elite liberal arts college with a rigorous reading program, and I got straight A’s. Having read a lot prepared me for those classes where we read 14 novels a semester. With every book I have read, I have gained an incredible amount of knowledge.

For when you told me I would never have friends, I forgive you. I have extremely special friendships that will last for years. I was nominated for both homecoming and prom queen and won “Friendliest Girl” for four years consecutively.

For when you told me I was not worthy of love, I forgive you. God loves me unconditionally; my parents love me to the moon and back; and my “older sisters” love me, support me, and include me in many aspects of their lives. Many of my teachers love, respect, and value me. I love them all back and make sure they know it.

For when I was assigned to your group and you ignored me, gave me looks, made me feel like a complete failure, talked about me to the whole department, and refused to help me, I forgive you. Even though this was a college class, and I had not experienced this since middle school, and you all made me want to drop out of school, I didn't. I am stronger because of it.

Don't think it was easy to forgive. I pray every night for you all and so my heart will eliminate every crumb of hatred from it.

And girls, I don’t think you could ever imagine that I would say this to you, but: Thank you.

Thank you for teaching me not to be like you.

Even though I would never wish for anyone to ever experience your torments, and bullying is something that needs to be stopped, I actually grew a lot from that suffering. Experiencing such rejections made me realize that it feels bad when people are ignored, talked about, uninvited, made fun of, etc. When I finally moved away and changed schools, I took it unto myself to protect anyone who might be going through similar situations—and trust me, those people that were made fun of, often turned out to be the most loyal and beautiful friends. I not only protected those who were being bullied but anyone who looked sad. That helped me be able to recognize body language to a great extent. In recognizing body language, I have been able to comfort, reassure, encourage, and help many people. My life’s mission statement has become to simply be kind above all. Thanks for helping me become the person I am today.

I don’t have anything mean to say to you for you are all beautiful and special and worth loving, and I would never wish harm on any of you because life contains a lot of pain already. I just hope that maybe life makes you a little kinder so that you can protect your own daughters and sons and teach them to be kind. I don’t think you would like for them to cry incessantly after school or for them to believe they are ugly and unworthy because some other kids are bored and being mean is their only entertainment. I know you are indeed reading this right now because you follow me on social media. I would appreciate if you messaged me and had a conversation about this with me. It would be a healing experience for both of us.

Sincerely,

The girl who isn't afraid anymore