I don’t know what we were. We never defined it. It was all so confusing. It was a rollercoaster ride of emotions, at least for me, I don’t know about you. I’d been hurt so many times before you, I thought this time it would be different, especially since you were the last thing I ever expected to happen to me. I was not expecting you to waltz into my existence with your boyish smile, and persuading ways. I was not expecting to care for you as much as I did.

You said you were an emotionless person, but I didn’t believe you. I saw good in you, I saw the person you could become if you just opened yourself up, and actually tried. If you just spoke how you felt. But, you never did that, and when I tried to be open and emotional with you, you said I was too much. Made me hate myself for being open. Made me hate myself for feeling. Made me hate myself for feeling for you, which was something I couldn’t help.

I figured that you had once been hurt, I mean who hasn’t? But what I could’t understand was why you were so cold about it all. I never asked you about it directly, because I remembered what you told me, you don't like talking about your feelings, and I did’t want to seem so emotional to you. So I never said anything. I wondered though, I wondered a lot.

I wondered what you were doing. I wondered if you were thinking about me like I was thinking about you. But I don't think you ever were thinking about me. You were thinking about her. About the girl that broke your heart. The girl you were in love with. The girl you never stopped loving. The girl you saw the good in even when she wasn’t so good at all. Even when she broke you into a million pieces. When she drove you to the brink of insanity, You still chose to love her. No matter what she did. And that girl was not me.

I remember when you told me. I thought it was something I did. You said it wasn’t me. You said there was someone else. I was so hurt. I didn’t want to know who it was, but when you FINALLY told me that you are the way you are because of a girl, I knew. You didn’t even have to confirm it. I already knew. That someone else was her. The girl you have never gotten over. The girl you love more than life itself. The girl who broke your heart. And when I asked if it was her, if she was the someone else, you said yes.

In that moment I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. I wasn’t expecting it to hurt as much as it did, I mean we were never dating. But it did. It hurt like hell. It hurt because I was trying so hard to get you to open up to me, and she could do it so effortlessly.

And now you are doing to me what she did to you. But, you are doing it for her. But how can I even be angry? We were never dating. I’m just sad because I know how it is, I understand how you feel because you are making me feel it right now. But I will be OK, because I am always OK. It’s you I worry about, because I don’t think you could come back from it if she hurt you again. She messed you up once already. And I tried to mend you, but you're too stubborn. I understand now that you only wanted her to mend you. Only wanted her to see the real you, and maybe she was the only one that could.

But I want you to be happy, I want you to become the person I saw in you. I want you to become someone you're proud of, and if that person comes out when you're with her then I’m not angry or sad. I am happy because you are happy. I am happy because you smile, and you laugh, and you joke, the things I rarely got to see from you. I am happy that she makes you feel that way. And when you look at her you feel like you are complete. I hope this time around for the two of you is different. I hope that when you smile she smiles. I hope that when you laugh at stupid jokes that she will look at you with admiration and think of how lucky she was to get a second chance with such a wonderful person. I hope she appreciates you the way I longed to appreciate you.

If only I were so lucky. But I know none of it was meant for me, it was meant for her. The girl you love. The girl who you continue to love and will probably never stop loving. But while you are working on being together again, I will be working on myself. I will be working on not being afraid to be open about how I feel. I will be working on being unapologetically and authentically me, because I have to be ready for the person who will love me like you love her.

And if it doesn't workout, I will be truly sorry for you, because I know you deserve so much more. You deserve to be loved the way you love her. But because I have been broken one too many times, and you have toyed with me enough, I will not be there to mend you. You must do it yourself, but know that I have faith in you. I believe you can make yourself happy, regardless of how it turns out. All you have to do is be willing to try. Don't shut it off. Be open, and happiness will find you.

And there is one last thing I want you to know. I want you to know that out of all the heartbreaks the one that hurt the most was you, the boy who broke my heart to go back to the girl who broke his.