The people have voted, the Electoral College has voted, and we’ve chosen you to run the greatest country in the world. You are now the most powerful man in America, and there will be so many people who will tell you how to do your job; so let me add my two cents and present to you a small list of 13 things I think you should address immediately.
1. Oval Office Drapery
First of all, the drapes in the Oval Office need to be changed as soon as you step foot into that room. I mean, those things have to be older than you. Besides, that pale yellow is going to clash heavily with your orange skin tone and we just can’t have that.
2. Lincoln’s Bedroom
You and I both know that room is more haunted than the Bell Witch Caves. Call in the ghost busters, perform a séance, burn the room, it doesn’t matter, whatever it takes to get the demons out. Don’t want to? OK, but when you wake up to hear Abe walking in and out of the room at 3:00 a.m., don’t @ me.
3. Adopt A Puppy… Or 26
Point blank, you’ve got a lot of work to do in winning popularity with the other half of America. Take my advice and adopt 26 puppies. If that doesn’t win you solid ground with millennials your case is hopeless. Sorry.
4. Release Your Tax Returns
5. Make An Appearance On 'Saturday Night Live'
They’ve been making Alec Baldwin play your role for far too long. It’s about time you get out there, embrace the media, and show your viewers you can roll with the punches. I mean, you’ve already won the election, they can’t take that away from you! (Can they?)
6. WWE
While we’re on the "Saturday Night Live" idea, I think you should make another appearance on WWE. No reason other than how epic it would be to see you smash or get smashed.
7. Executive Order 1: Stop Sequels
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good sequel but Mean Girls 2 did NOT need to happen. Neither did Home Alone 3, Sharknado 2, or Mulan II. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.
8. Less Fake Tan
Donald, Donald, Donald, if you’re going to represent the American people, you need to go natural or get a better makeup artist. Seriously.
9. Celebrity Apprentice: White House Edition
Just imagine it. 16 celebrities running around the White House and D.C., trying to complete all the tasks you assign them. Consider it.
10. THE HAIR
11. THE HAIR
12. THE HAIR
13. “You’re hired!"
The presidency is a very serious job and the decisions you make will impact every citizen of these United States; but take it easy. As much as being the Executive Chief is a difficult and stressful job, don’t forget that you’re human too. Go out and buy ice cream with Melania every once in awhile, it can brighten anyone’s day.
