An Open Letter to my Eating Disorder:
You are my hidden demon. No matter how many layers of happiness I desperately try to bury you under, you always seem to peak your ugly head out at my weakest moments.
While I may no longer binge and purge or be constantly plagued by thoughts of self-hatred, I will never actually be completely freed of this disease. Unlike a broken bone or a virus, you can’t just get rid of a mental disease. A cast or a round of antibiotics doesn’t simply do the trick.
You allowed me to become a master of deception, hiding my disease from my parents, friends, and teachers. I became the best liar I knew. I could look my mother or best friend in the face and tell a bold-faced lie, and feel more accomplished than guilty.
I will never rid myself of the memories of you, my all-consuming disease. I can never forget the memories of crying myself to sleep because my stomach hurt because it was so empty. I will never forget the way I kept pushing through a work out even when black spots danced in front of my eyes because I was so weak. I will never forget the disgust and shame I felt every time I looked in a mirror. I will never forget the horror I felt as the toilet water splashed back in my face after I had just thrown up my entire dinner.
I believed I was unlovable. My relationships crumbled as I prioritized you instead. You dictated whom I spent my time with, where I went, and, of course, what I ate.
You were an attempt to feel in control. You were an attempt to feel good about myself. You were an attempt to feel accomplished and successful. Controlling my food and exercise was a way to implement control, find a purpose, and to reach an impossible standard I had set for myself. It was not just about being skinny.
I wanted to eat less. I wanted to be less. I didn’t want to exist, because of you. I wanted to disappear.
Even though it has been years since my last therapy session and I am at an average weight, I know that you are always lurking in the shadows of my mind. I can sense your presence when I try on clothes, step on a scale, or eat a big meal. The disease that I have supposedly defeated will always linger.
But now, I am stronger. I will not let your dark presence define me.
I vow to realize that the number on the scale does not determine my value as a person. I vow to be honest when I feel myself slipping back into old habits. I vow to nurture my relationships and myself instead of nurturing my eating disorder.
It is not a perfect solution. I know that even after years of being in “recovery” you will never fully disappear. Yet, I know that I deserve more than a life that is destroyed by self-hatred.
Sincerely,
The person you almost destroyed
