Dear Future Boyfriend,

This letter is going to get real. I’m assuming that if you’re dating me, you already know all this stuff, but just in case you're missing something; here you go! A little guide to the things you need to know If you’re dating me. If you’re already my boyfriend, you obviously like me. Even though that’s a given, I’ll almost definitely overthink every little move or action you do in regards to our relationship and me. I might question if you actually like me or if it’s just a game, even if I know you do. It sucks, but that’s me. I’m an ADHD, overthinking, anxious ball of mess and I can only hope you’re okay with that. I will steal your sweatshirts and t-shirts and probably hats, but I will give them back at some point, I promise.

1. My ADHD and anxiety might get the best of me at times.

There are times where my ADHD is through the roof and I can’t focus on anything. I can’t sit still, and my brain will not shut up. I’ll have times where my fears and anxiety about the tiniest, stupidest, littlest things will pull me so far down that I’ll overthink everything. There will be days when I start sixteen different things and end up not finishing any of them and there will be days (most of the time) where it seems like I’m not listening or paying attention to anything but myself but I promise I am. My mind might be running faster than a cheetah and I might have about 7 different thoughts going through my head at the same time, but I promise I’m listening.

2. I’ll remember stupid things, but I might not remember the important things.

Especially if it’s something you told me a long time ago. I remember random things at super random times and I’m hoping you’re ok with that. If you ask me to remind you of something at a specific time, it’s almost guaranteed that I will remind you right after you ask (because I’m annoying like that) and then at the weirdest, most inconvenient time (like at 3 a.m. two days later or while we’re at dinner or somewhere super inconvenient lol.) I’ll remember random little facts about you, like that time you did that cool thing, but I might not remember your favorite TV show or movie. You might have to remind me multiple times about dates, times, and everything else.

3. I have the heart and soul of a little kid.

I might technically be an adult, but I’d much rather spend my time coloring than going out for fancy dinners. I have the diet of a sophisticated 5-year-old and I’m very specific with what I like and how I like it. I love bouncy houses, coloring, princesses, Disney, and anything kid related.

4. Spontaneity is not my strong suit.

I need to have my entire life planned out. If it’s not written down somewhere, I will completely forget about it and make plans to do something else. Impromptu adventures to playgrounds I can do. Planning is an ADHD’s best friend.

5. I’m also super terrible at decision making of any kind.

Tell me to pick the restaurant and you’ll either get Friendly’s or Panera every single date. Indecisiveness is basically my best friend (as is stubbornness, but we’ll get to that next). Knowing exactly what I want is not something I’m good at. I once made my roommate make all my food decisions throughout a day because I couldn’t decide what to eat. I will say I want one thing and on the way, I might change my mind 50 times.

6. I am stubborn.

I may not be good at decision-making, but I am really good at being stubborn. I can have full knowledge that I’m wrong in an argument and STILL continue to fight about it because I’m super freaking stubborn.

7. I’m awkward. And I absolutely HATE confrontation and feelings and emotions.

I’m basically convinced I have no emotions anymore. I cry at random stupid things, but not real things like death or funerals. Talking about my emotions and feelings is an entire day ordeal and even then you might not get much from me. I use laughter as my cure for everything. I don’t cry at sad situations, I fucking laugh. It’s the way I am. I’m awkward with anything related to confrontation of any kind, and if you ask me to talk about or do anything remotely sexual, good luck getting me to be serious and not super awkward.

8. I’m like a puppy – I’m super needy, I love attention, I love when things are all about me, and I get distracted super easily – but I’m also super adorable.

I love attention. I love having things all about me (my birthday is my favorite holiday) and I will get distracted by the tiniest thing around me. I also love cuddling — literally my favorite activity.

9. I keep things bottled up

Like I said – emotions, confrontation, and feelings are NOT my thing. I don’t like dealing with conflict. I’d rather just pretend everything’s ok and be all happy and smiley and bubbly. All I need you to do is to know that sometimes, the smile isn’t real. I need you to realize when I need you to make me talk about whatever’s bothering me and I need you to realize when you need to let it go. I will explode. I will have times where I just explode feelings and let all my anger and frustration out and I already know I’ll let it out at you. I need you to know that it’s not your fault. I need you to just hold me, let me scream, cry, fight or pout my way through the tantrum.

10. I either let things go instantly or not at all.

With ADHD, it can go either way. I will either let things go almost immediately (usually this is the important stuff) or I will not let them go at all (the tiny stupid things, usually.) I will continuously overthink it and complain about it, even if it’s so tiny and insignificant in the long run that it doesn’t really matter.

11. I’ve experienced a lot of loss in my life and I have extreme abandonment issues (still not sure why).

Almost all of the relationships I’ve witnessed in my family have been broken by either death or divorce. My parents separated my junior year of high school. I never really had a solid relationship to look up to. I’d been to more family funerals by the time I graduated high school than the majority of people go to by 21. Two of my uncles died at age 50 due to heart attacks and I remember as young as elementary school being terrified that my dad would also die when he turned 50. My dad had cancer when I was in 6^th grade, and my grandma passed away from brain, liver and lung cancer. Over the years, I’ve developed a weird abandonment issue. I’m so scared of people leaving me that I will avoid change in relationships because I have an irrational fear that I’ll lose them. I’m scared of my friends leaving to go somewhere without me, even if they’re just going to the next room. I hope you can accept this and help me learn to deal with it.

12. I can get super grumpy and cranky.

I’m typically a pretty laid back happy person, but when I get really hungry or really tired, I get cranky. I get snippy and short with people and it’s not fun to be around. Mornings are my grumpiest, as are late nights when I’m super tired or when I’m super hungry. I will get snippy with you and I will be a crankypants until I get some sleep and-or food.

13. My entire life could be falling apart around me, and I will still think I’m bothering you with my rants or texts.

I will text you every little thing that happens to me, good or bad. I will send you paragraph length texts in 6 different bubbles because I remember something else immediately after I send a message. My entire life could be falling apart, and I would be 100 percent scared that I’m bothering you. I could be explaining why I’m stressed or sad or upset and I will continuously say “I’m sorry, I’m a mess, ignore me.” When I do this, I just need you to dramatically be like “NO. STOP APOLOGIZING.” I will text you in all caps about the most insignificant things that amuse me or excite me and I just need you to drill it into my mind that I’m not bothering you.

14. Last but not least, I fall hard.

I go all in, with all of my problems and worries. I will be f*cking terrified. I will not completely let you in for a long time, and I just need you to be okay with that. I don’t let people in easily, and there are maybe two people that know about 90% of my life story. I might be a little hard to love at times, and sometimes it might seem like I don’t love you, but I promise you I will try. I will try, SO hard to not let little things bother me and I will work on expressing myself better. I will need you to push me to go out of my comfort zone almost all the time. I need that little push for me to do things that are new and-or different. The most important thing I ask of you is that you love me back. Love me for me. Accept me, 110 percent. Embrace my imperfections, my flaws, my love of Disney, Harry Potter, and all things in between. Let me into your life and I’ll let you into mine. It might take time. It might be slow, but it will be worth it in the end. I’m a hopeless romantic, but I’ve also never had an example of a relationship that didn’t end in loss, whether from death, divorce, or anything else.

I’m still learning. I’m learning more and more about myself each and every day, and I’m learning about the world. I’m discovering my place slowly every day, and I can only hope that I’ll find you somewhere along the way. There are so many more things I wanted to include in here, but can’t put into words. I am an enigma. I don’t know anyone that fully understands me, including myself. You can try to figure me out all you want, but chances are, you never will (if you do, let me know please.) I’m an empathetic, ADHD, introverted-but-also-extroverted ball of sunshine with some major inner demons that even I have not met yet. Like I said, I’m learning more about me each and every day. I am a unique individual, and there’s nobody out there quite like me.

If you'll be my best friend, i'll be yours. Please don't give up on me. That's all I really ask. Love, Your Future Girlfriend.