Grief, whether it is over someone living who is not in your life anymore or someone who has passed away, is a hard and long process. We've all heard about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and, finally, acceptance. To me grief is so much more than those five stages. It also affected me physically.

Not only was I grieving over someone living who was no longer in my life, but I also was grieving over my grandpa who passed away in December. He was my first grandparent to pass away and I handled it a lot worse than I thought I would. At his funeral I was a complete wreck. I tried to stay put together for my family, but failed miserably because of my emotional personality. And then afterwards, I felt fine. Almost too fine.

In January I felt numb. It still hadn't occurred to me that he was actually gone. Then I started having trouble breathing right. I went to the doctor and they said I was fine, and to use my inhaler because my lungs were just tight. The inhaler didn't help and I felt trapped inside my own body. Research said this was a sign of grief.

Then in February I started to feel angry, really angry and was mad at everyone one day and loving them the next. I would cry randomly, not understanding why. I was exhausted all the time, depressed, locked away in my dorm room, and had these awful stomach aches that kept me up at night. I went to the doctors again and after many visits and blood tests they found out I had a stomach ulcer and severe mono. I was devastated because I knew how hard my semester at school would be dealing with these medical issues. The worst part was that I made myself this sick with stress and grief and would now deal with the consequences.

Then in March I went to visit my grandmother (whose husband had passed away) and I saw her hurt, depressed, and inactive for the first time in my life. I didn't know what to do or how to handle it.

She feels better now, or at least is trying. She takes it day by day and continues to exhibit extreme faith and positivity, and I will never understand how.

I am starting to feel better now, too. I'm starting to have more energy and am not wanting to isolate myself in my dorm room all day. And in fact I have a zest for life that I have never had before. Seeing my grandpa pass away without any notice, only an extremely hard month dealing with cancer, I have truly learned that life is short. Yes, it sounds cliche, but I have internalized this saying deeper than ever before. I also learned that I need to stop worrying so much, to trust in God's plan for me, and to see the bigger picture that life is and to love every minute of it. I have learned to love the hard times and to celebrate the good times. I spend more time in nature and feel a sense of peace in my heart that my anxiety used to never let me have.

So for anyone who is grieving, again over someone living or not, it will make sense soon. You will understand why you have been through what you have been through and you'll realize how much you have learned. I am a completely different person than I was just one year ago. Through the process of self discovery that I embarked upon due to grief, I have become more confident and I truly love myself, am able to handle the hard situations life throws at me better, and am much more forgiving. I have so much peace in my heart and trust in God. I am excited for the life I have ahead of me instead of feeling scared and anxious and not wanting it to come.

Grief is a time-consuming and tiring process. But there is light in every darkness, no matter how cliche that is. You just have to trust in God, Yahweh, Jehovah, the universe, Allah, or whatever you believe in to guide you. Time heals everything, and everything happens for a reason. Just remember "this too shall pass" and accept the process, enjoy it, and live in it. You never know what is just around the corner.