You,

I didn’t want to write this. I wanted to put you aside and keep going. I did not want to give you any more of my time by writing this, because I already gave you enough. I wasted enough of my time writing you letters in the notes of my phone that will never see the light of day. But I’m not writing this for you. I’m not even writing this for myself. I’m writing this for the girl I was a year ago who thought that she would never make it away from you alive. I’m writing this for the girl who is who I was then. I’m writing this because I’m not her anymore.

If I were to go back, knowing what I know now, I can’t say that I would walk away from you. You made my heart race and my days seem bright. It is not something I was previously used to. You made me feel different than I’d ever felt before. Just being in the same room as you affected my whole being. I knew you were trouble from the beginning, but I gave you a chance. I couldn’t not give you a chance. That’s why I can’t completely blame this on you. I initiated it just as much as you did. I let you do what you did to me. No matter how many times I tried to give you up, I always came back for more. And that part was on me.

You know what you did. I’m sure of it. You knew which buttons you were pushing and which you were pulling off. You had that cocky attitude every time you looked in my direction. You knew what you were doing and I was lost. I had no idea the magnitude that was you until I was completely swept up in it. From the first time we spoke, you knew you had me. You knew that I would do absolutely anything just to see you smile at me one more time or even just to see your gaze land on me. And you knew that my whole day would be affected if I didn’t see it. You were completely aware of how I soared when I had you, but would lose myself when you purposely took yourself away. You relished in it. Even I knew that. But I pushed myself anyway. I pushed myself to be a person I’m not because I thought I wanted you more than anything. I put on the act and danced around with a coy smile because I wanted your attention. I said all the things that I thought you would want to hear and made myself into the person I thought you wanted. The irony? I’m pretty sure you never wanted me to begin with.

I spent nights awake wondering why you didn’t want me. I spent days in a haze wondering what was so wrong with me that I wasn’t what you wanted. I wondered why I wasn’t good enough for you. But you probably already know that. And you probably never cared.

But what it took me until now to realize is that none of that was my fault. I was wrong. This wasn’t about me. It was about you. This was about whatever made you think that you could treat me the way you did. It was never anything I did, or didn’t do. It took me until now to realize that you’re not going to be compatible with everyone. You’re not going to be everyone’s favorite. Not everyone in the world is going to like you or agree with the things that you do. That doesn’t make you a bad person or not good enough for someone. It just makes you, you. It makes you different from everyone else and you should not apologize for that. I’m certainly not apologizing for it anymore. I wasted a year doing that.

I’m not saying thank you. There are no thank you’s for the things that you did. You used me. You played with me for your own personal entertainment. You hurt me. Despite learning a huge lesson out of you, I’ll never be thankful for what you did. But I did learn a lot. I learned more about self worth and more about myself. I learned how to ask for help when I needed it. I have begun to differentiate between those who want me from those who just want something from me. You were the latter, which, unfortunately, is a shame. Because I really did like you. I saw more in you than you probably saw in yourself. Maybe that’s why you are the way you are, but I’ll truly never know. And I’m done trying to know. Whatever you were thinking when you were with me, it doesn’t matter anymore. I used to be dying to know if you were ever being real with me, but I don’t care anymore. I’m past it. I’m in a place that I never thought I would be. A place that I didn’t think existed. As much as I wanted you before, I don’t want you anymore. And I love being able to say that and actually mean it.

None of it was okay, and I’ll never say that it was. But I am. What you did to me was wrong, but I’m okay. I’ll never be thankful for what you put me through. As I previously stated, I wasted so much time on you. Time that I could have spent being genuinely happy. Not the fake happiness that I was with you. That wasn’t real. But ultimately, what I am thankful for, is the person that I am because of it all. And that has nothing to do with you. That was all me. I could still be letting you rip me apart inside, but I’ve chosen not to. I have chosen to see the situation for how it really is and move on. I’m thankful for coming out on top in a situation where I could have lost. I’m thankful for what I’ve gained in spite of you.

The funny thing is, even after everything you did, I still hope the best for you. I still hope that you’re doing well. I sincerely hope that one day you will find someone who finally cracks you and makes you feel the way I did whenever you looked at me. Because even if I shouldn’t think you deserve it, I know that somewhere inside of you, there’s the person I knew you could be. And I wholeheartedly believe that person deserves the world.

Sincerely,

Your Biggest Mistake