I don't know why I am writing this. Maybe because there are things I need to get off my chest. Maybe because I'm ready to speak my mind. Whatever the reason, here it goes.
They say that friends come and go. But with you I thought it'd be different. I thought you would always be around. That you would always be there when I needed a shoulder to cry on. And you always were, until you weren't. I guess that just goes to show how naive I was. Because no matter what promises you made, no matter what you told me, it was never the truth. It was always a lie and you'll never know just how much that hurt.
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We used to talk about the little things. We used to talk about what we wanted for our futures and how we would get there. Even when I thought the future looked dark gloomy you used to tell me that no matter what happened you'd always be here, that in some way you would always be a part of my life. But how was I supposed to know that you were lying? How was I supposed to know that the one person who meant everything to me couldn't even bother to look me in the eye and tell me the truth? You just let me go on and live in an illusion that was never real.
For someone who I thought was the absolute best thing to ever happen to me you were also the worst. You made me think that everything was worth the wait, that if I just waited a little longer, a little longer, everything would be the way I wanted it. But you had no intention of that happening did you? You strung me along like a fool in love and tore out the most important parts of myself. You left me with nothing. But even when I thought "okay this is enough. I can't do this anymore," you would show back up and give a piece back and the cycle would start over again. Until it didn't anymore.
What pushed me to the point of no return was finding out that you blamed me that somehow, this was my fault. To this day I don't understand it. I don't understand how someone could tell me that. But that is besides the point. Somehow I managed to do what I once thought would be impossible. I was done. I washed my hands of you and I was left with nothing. It was clear you were done trying and so I was too. And that was that. But after a few months I slowly started to fill in the pieces. I slowly remembered what I had before you waltzed into my life.
I realized that my life didn't revolve around you and waiting on the edge of my seat for a simple message or call wasn't normal. That when someone truly loves you, they don't put you through that kind of pain. I think the only reason I realized that is because I had my sisters, I had my friends to make me realize that what was happening was not okay.
But what I think the worst thing is, is that I don't hate you. I don't think I ever could. I don't know if that makes me pathetic or strong. This might be confusing and this might not make sense but the bottom line is that I'm okay now.
