Before you begin to read this I just want to say that if anyone has ever been in any type of abusive relationship, please don't think you are alone and definitely don't blame yourself. Many people are screwed up in this world, but the victim is never the one that is originally screwed up, it is always the offender. Sadly, the victim may just be screwed up after, which is actually okay.
Dear you,
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I don't even know what to call you, I don't believe that it should be anything close to man or boy because I can't picture you as a human. Every time your face pops into my head all I see is a monster. I still don't understand how you could have done what you actually did to me. I don't know what I could have done to make you think that I deserved something so terrible, and that is exactly why I know it wasn't me it was always you.
I trusted you. I liked you. I wanted you to stay with me and you betrayed that trust. You took everything away from me that was ever important and left me broken down, blaming myself and feeling useless. You used me and then left me there to wonder why something so bad could happen to me.
I didn't know how to deal with what you did and some days I still don't. There are many times when I have flashbacks and my anxiety and PTSD rises and I don't know what to do with myself, but I have also learned to control it. I have accepted that what you did and how my body and mind reacted is a part of me. It has made me into who I am today, and has made me stronger.
I, now, am not so naïve. I have a wall up and don't believe people when they say they won't hurt me. I understand that there is bad out there but that there is also good. I am done feeling broken and worthless and I will not let anyone else define me as that. I have gone to therapy and also stopped going. I have told people before dating them because I think they deserve the choice of dealing with someone like me or not. I have come to peace with what happened to me about four years ago and I have grown from it.
I have seen you since you did so much damage to me, and for a while I still wanted you. I wanted to make you want me so that I would find out why you did what you did. I have realized since then that you don't and never did deserve me. I will no longer be used by you or anyone. I will no longer be hurt like how you hurt me.
I am over you completely, and I have accepted what you did to me as something that is an experience I can use to help others with. I will never be a broken, worthless victim to anyone, especially not you. I am a survivor and I will continue to survive.
Always,
the one you messed with
