In what some would consider true female nature, I am going to start off by apologizing. I am going to apologize to all the men who are the exception to what I am about to say. Apologize to my dads, brother, uncles, teachers, and colleagues who exemplify to me that gentlemen do exist. I am going to apologize to the mothers and fathers who raised or are raising their sons to value and appreciate women.
Although, I believe great men do exist and that the world is filled with respectable gentlemen I recently experienced blatant disrespect. This was something I had only previously experienced in passing or through smaller insignificant sexist comments and actions. Yes, I have previously had men come up to me or stare. I have even had other women call me out for being “bitchy” instead of “assertive” while I was behaving similarly to my male counterparts however, this exceeded that for many reasons.
For part of our summer break my best friend and I took a trip to the “Fabulous Las Vegas.” The purpose of our trip was to see one of our idols Celine Dion perform live and to celebrate my friend’s birthday. We were very excited for the trip and I personally looked forward to spending quality time with her exploring a city I had never been to, one known for fun and excitement. Yet, the more time we spent outside of our hotel room the more we wanted to return to our “cave” as we began to call it.
Everywhere we would go men would stare and gawk as we walked past them on the streets, men would approach us offering to take us up to their hotel rooms, they would call us “DELICIOUS”—really out of all the words in the dictionary that is the adjective that best described me? They would attempt to have conversations but make no eye contact. Some of them would follow us and keep persisting we take their number even after several stern NOs! I also am aware that we were not the only ones who experience this and that Las Vegas is not the only city in which this behavior occurs. In fact, a Cornell University study reports that 85% of women in the United States experience Street Harassment before the age of 17 alone, 77% of US women under 40 have been followed by a man or a group of men in the last year, and more than half of those surveyed reported changing clothing or changing their mode of transportation because of street harassment.
Some of you reading this might begin to argue that maybe we were dressed provocatively or asking for the wrong kind of attention. I tend to disagree because we experienced this even when we fell into the 50% above that changed clothing. Even without the change in clothing I, as a human being, should not be looked at differently if I put on a pair of heals or I am wearing a slightly tighter outfit. Similarly to the way a man with a tie or walking around the beach shirtless should not be subjected to any inappropriate behavior.
Some you reading this might also argue that we should just ignore them the reality is ignoring these men often times will not make them go away and more importantly does not stop the systemic problem of disrespect to those they encounter. No is no! Maybe I will change my mind if you ask me 25 times. It is also never a compliment. Believe me I LOVE being validated and complimented but the difference between a compliment and the street harassment is the intention. It is the typical phrase my mom always told me growing up “It is not what you say, it is how you say it”. With a compliment the person genuinely and respectfully addresses you and uses language that is not demeaning. They most certainly do not follow, attempt to touch, stare, or do a variety of other behaviors. I will never find it flattering and I will never find your behavior attractive.
As always I have digressed,
To men who think it's OK to catcall,
You see me walking down the street and you do not know me. All I am trying to do is go about my day and get from point A to point B. However, you see me walking down the street and expect me to acknowledge your disrespectful words. If I do not you take it upon yourself to make me. Because of you I spend my day walking around with my keys in between my fingers and terrified that I will go somewhere and my pepper spray will be confiscated. I walk around hoping you do not give me the reason to have to defend myself because I know the legal system will most likely defend you. I walk around strategically trying to decide if should be on the phone with a friend as I walk to my car or have 911 on speed dial. Because of you I have to grow up telling my female cousins to be careful at bars or on their way to school and I tell my brother that he should never and I mean NEVER speak to a woman like that. I have to comfort my best friend who feared the worse as she walked back from throwing the trash and you followed her in bikes. I have to listen to the tears on FaceTime as another friend tells me about the unwanted pictures or comments she received after giving into you and sharing her number out of fear. If you could tell me what you get from making people feel this way please let me know because I simply do not understand?
Next time you are walking somewhere and feel the need to approach someone think twice. I challenge you to think about your mothers, sisters, daughters, wives, the women you value the most in your life. Would you want them to be treated like an object? Would you like them to question everything before stepping outside? Would you like them to be afraid of getting home at night, while being completely sober, wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt? Do you feel comfortable knowing it occurred while they were intoxicated or dressed for a night out on the town? I am going to assume that the answer to these questions are a No! If you would not want that to happen to someone you care about I suggest you begin to treat those that others care about differently. Live your life by an example of what you should do not what you should not do. As a reminder I am just as valuable as your daughter, mother, and sister. In fact, I am just as valuable as your male boss, father, brother and son. I am a human and that alone gives me the right to be respected.
Next time you are walking somewhere and feel the need to approach someone I want you to evaluate your self worth and respect. I challenge you to think about the last time you tried getting to know someone and then asked them out on a proper date? If you can not I suggest trying that instead. I assure you the likely hood you would be rejected would drop exponentially. What does that do? It boost your confidence and starts a great foundation for a worth wild relationship. Your actions speak volumes about you more than it does about anyone else. If you want to show off your self worth be confident and caring. Be genuine and generous. Be reasonable and respectable. Those six attributes will instantly make you more attractive than most men and 1000 times more attractive then the average man on the street. My cuban grandmother shares this phrase with me and I share it with you in an attempt to maybe breakthrough “Se gana was con miel que con vinagre” , in english - you attract more with honey than with vinegar.
Next time you are walking somewhere and feel the need to approach someone at least think about what you are going to are say. Do not use words such as “delicous, yummy, eat you” because I am not a food. Do not use the words like “damn look at that” because I am not a breathtaking scenery. Do not use words like “tap that” because I am not a beer or a drink. Do not use words or phrases that have "it" or "that" because I am not an object you can do things to. I am a strong independent women who deserves to be complimented on her ambition, brains, personality, and the occasional physical appearance. If you do not know me well enough to be able to compliment anything mentioned before appearance then your compliments on my appearance are not welcomed or appreciated.
Next time you are walking somewhere and feel the need to approach someone remember you can be the change. You can resist the urge and just smile and walk away. You can teach others with your respect. Open the door for her, call your mother and tell her you thought of her and thank her for raising you right. I truly believe that if we started teaching our boys how to behave we do not have to teach our girls how to be afraid.
Sincerely,
Someone Who Is Over It
