Our "relationship"--if that is what it even was--was all fun and games at the beginning. You seemed generally interested in me. Things quickly evolved, however, and I always found myself second guessing whether or not you actually cared about me. I spent a good half of my semester, and all of my summer, wishing that I'd get a "come over" text message. I was lucky if those messages were to ever come during a weekday, or even before 7 in the evening. You told me all the things I wanted to hear, and I soaked them up like an unused sponge. You caught me when I was most vulnerable, fresh out of a long relationship, and let me latch on to you.
I seriously thought the way you treated me was normal. I thought that this was how relationships worked. I hadn't dated, let alone talked to someone new, in over three years. This was normal, right? Only ever being there when it was convenient for you? You never let me decide when we would hang out, what we would do, or where we would spend time together. And yet, you still had me running back to you. What about you was so desirable? Was it that you were a couple years older than me, and I found that attractive? I definitely wasn't attracted to the fact that I didn't exist to you 60% of the time. Maybe it was because we were from the same hometown. You provided me with a sense of comfort in understanding my references and loves of home. Even though I thought that was enough, it wasn't.
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Why, if you didn't want anything serious, did you keep reeling me in? You even had the guts to tell me you liked me, wanted to spend the summer with me at home and see where things went in the fall. No matter how hard I tried, you never once gave me an answer of what I was to you or what you wanted. It got to the point where I was falling for you hard but couldn't communicate that to you because I was so afraid that you'd be like, "Nah, no thanks, bye." How did I allow myself for you to have so much power over me? Why did I always defend your stupidity and carelessness? Even after several months of doing this, I just couldn't let go.
Once we were both home for summer, I finally mustered up the courage to tell you exactly how I felt, what I wanted, and asked the same of you. I was appalled at your answer...or lack thereof. You told me "it was fine to chill but I'm just busy." Really, dude? If you have enough time to tell me that, you have enough time to really tell me what you want. AND YET I STILL KEPT TRYING. I am infuriated with myself for dragging this on for an entire summer! We hung out once more, and after that, you just kind of faded away from my life. You had me so confused because I really never got an answer at all. I just moved on, shaken with feelings of anger, hurt, and lament.
And then I saw you. I saw you for the first time in over a month, at a bar, flirting and dancing with some girl. I was on a date with the man who is now my incredible boyfriend, and I lost it. I knew in that moment you were doing the same thing to her that you did to me. She was your next fix, just like I was. I don't even know if you noticed me, but I noticed you. I had a panic attack in the middle of a bar because I saw you. That is how much control you had of my emotions. The last time we'd talked, I had said that I wanted to speak with you in person (with the intention of breaking things off) and your response? "F***." After I saw you, though, I didn't need that conversation. I needed a good cry, which I got the moment I walked out of the back door. I needed to see your face one last time, just to let you go. Most importantly, I needed to accept that in wasting so much time on you, I made myself miserable and it was finally my chance to break out of that.
I'm happy now. I don't need a guy to be happy, but right now I've got a really great one who wants nothing more than to make me smile. I'm so glad that I saw you that night, while I was with my soon-to-be boyfriend. It gave me a chance to open up to him about my past, my insecurities, and my needs in a relationship. And so, I really hope that you grow up. I pray that one day you will stop your endless cycle of idiocy, settle down, and learn to treat women the way I know you could. As for me, I'm stronger now. I shouldn't have had to go through the emotional stress to get stronger, but I am. I know more about myself now than I ever have, and for that, I am grateful.
