After two years of being in a steady relationship, I realized something that rocked me to my core. I wasn’t happy anymore. Getting together in my freshman year was an amazing experience. Having someone from the start with one of the most difficult transitions of my life was a gift, and I wouldn’t give it up for anything. But, entering my junior year, I was thinking forward.

Terrified of leaving the place where I started to find myself and feeling like I hadn’t figured out the slightest bit of a plan for the future, I was pulling up my bootstraps and ready to get my mind in order. My boyfriend at the time was too busy playing with the LARP (Live Action Role Play) club for hours on end only to come back whining about his work load that he couldn’t possibly expect to finish.

After weeks of fighting with myself, I let him go and tried to throw myself into friendships and schoolwork to keep busy. It worked for about a month.

Then I met you.

You were amazing. You were kind and attractive and everything I could possibly ask for in a guy. The textbook definition of everything I ever thought I’d end up with. And you looked at me like he never did. Like I was worth your time.

And I started to feel like maybe I was. It took me just two short months to convince myself that I was, indeed, in love once more. I couldn’t have been happier. My friends adored you and you were an honorary part of my crew even though you didn’t go to school with us.

So when you dumped me, I was shocked and hurt on top of a million other emotions going through my head.

“Where did I go wrong?” I asked, “What did I do?” I had to have gone wrong somewhere along the line. I was shattered. I went through weeks of watching you hang out with my friends as my pain didn’t seem to matter. It was just a breakup; surely I’d get over it soon, right?

I’m not here to make you feel awful, I’d never wish that on you. And I don’t blame my friends for loving you, how could they not? You’re a great person; even still, we both agreed you suck at relationships. Then again, I do too.

Two months after we broke up and I was lost on a sea of emotions, I started therapy for the first time in my life. I’m finally realizing why I let you in so easy and why I couldn’t let you go. We finally had a semblance of a friendship.

The summer came and I finally started to feel okay again. I found someone new and I was spending more time than ever with my friends and bettering myself.

After feeling so worthless, wanting to leave, wanting you to leave, and hating myself; I feel like I’m back to being me. It sure as hell took long enough. You’re dating one of my best friends and I hope you guys are happy. That’s an honest wish. Because I want you to be happy.

After everything I’ve been put through, I can’t find it in myself not to wish you well. I want you to be happy. I want you to find yourself and find someone who can love you more than I ever really think I did. Because you deserve it.

I can never take back the awful things I’ve thought about you as much as I can’t take back the time and memories you gave me during our relationship. I’d never want to. You gave me a really important gift. You gave me a reason to hate myself again. It may not seem like a great gift, but now I know what rock bottom looks like and I never want to go there again. I’m cautious with my heart and I’m taking my mental health seriously.

And now that I hate myself so much, I can get on the road to love myself; really love myself for the first time in my life. And if I can love myself, I know someone else will too.