I know you. Sometimes I am you. Some days I have been you. You sit in class, waiting for the seconds to tick by but you’re not sure why you’re waiting. It’s not like you have something important to do. You have no friends who are waiting for you. You don’t actually want to go to your next class anyways. You are just taking up space and you hate it.
When you get home you make a list, all the things you have to do before. Before what? Well, you’ll never voice it out loud, yet everyone knows what you mean by before. Some days your list is short and that panics it. Other days you are able to fill it so long it makes you smile. You have to graduate before…You have to fix things with your ex before…You have to pass this stupid women studies class. You have to make sure your brother is set for college. You have to fall in love. You have to bungee jump off a cliff. Some days there will be a million reasons for you to hold on and some days there will be only one. Fear for the days when there is nothing on your list.
If that day comes and you no longer have any befores, I want you to read this. I want you to think of your family. I don’t mean the blood you’re forced with. I mean the people who pick you up when you’re down. The ones who are the shoulders for you to cry on. The people in your life that will never let you go. Think about them and what will happen when you’re gone. I want you to remember them and take out that list of befores. Write down that you have to tell them what you plan to do. You have to do that before you can go. You have to tell them your plan. Not in a letter. Not in a text. You actually have to do it. You have to look them in the eyes and tell them what you’re plotting.
And because you can’t do that, you can’t hurt them that way, the before will never get ticked off. If it does get ticked off and you actually open up to a friend, they’re not going to let you do it. They will drive with you for hours with no destination just so you can feel better. They will hold you as you cry. They will listen to your problems no matter how petty you think they are.
Please, hold on. I know it’s hard. I know the world is suffocating you and your depression is telling you you’re worthless and your anxiety makes you feel alone. Hold on. Grip on to whatever has kept you here so far and hold on tight. Make a list of befores. Never let those befores be conquered. Live for your family if you can’t live for yourself. Just live. Please, you have to live.
