It's really hard hearing the cliche, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." How could someone fall out of love when all you've done is give them everything you could? I have loved, loved, and loved you with everything only to get nothing in return.
What a roller coaster it has been for the past three and half years. We've had our ups and downs, but I believed that we could always make it through. Everyone says distance makes the heart grow fonder, but I think it hurt us more than anything. The two and half hour drive that we talked about all year became something we rarely did. The FaceTime dates were always put off for "later," and our phone calls were always cut short because you had to go hangout with your friends or do your homework. Your texts became shorter just like your hugs. I guess 158 miles was a little too much for us...
To say it doesn't hurt would be a complete lie. I think it would be crazy for someone not to be hurting after spending so much time together with one person. I've had countless nights where I would wake up and want to text you but I have to remind myself that I can't. I can't drive the streets going from my house to yours without thinking about all the times we drove it together holding hands. Sometimes, I wish that we got stopped at the lights more often or drove a little slower because who knew it would never happen again.
To be honest, I do miss you. I miss talking on the phone with you late at night or calling you because something exciting happened. You're still the person I want to call if something good or bad happens. I miss holding your hand even though they were always a little too dry in the winter. I miss the way you would look at me before you kissed me; I always knew when you were gonna kiss me. I miss the way we held hands in the car while driving. I miss talking about what we were gonna eat for dinner at night or what movie we were gonna see. You would always get what I wanted to drink at the movies instead of what you wanted. You knew when I was playing bad and would tell me to play like myself again. I'm going to miss you saying good luck to me before tournaments because that's all I've been hearing for the past three years before my round. I miss being able to call you about my stupid round or my good rounds. I miss hearing your voice when you would get tired at night. I wish I hadn't taken that last night for granted when you came to see me in Edmond.
I don't hate you for leaving me. People can change their minds about who they want, but I just thought it would be me you chose at the end of the day. I always said everything happens for a reason. People change for different reasons and I think college and your new friends have completely changed you. I hope one day you look back and realize that I have always been the same girl since the first day you met me. I always chose you.
So to the girl you love next. I hope you treat her like she's your priority. Maybe you will take your time out of the day to talk to her or step outside to talk on the phone with her. And when she asks you to stay on the phone a little longer, I hope you say okay instead of getting off the phone like you did with me. I hope you text her sweet good morning and goodnight texts. Also send her long texts back if she pours her heart out to you. If you ever get in fights with her, make up with her first before she gets more upset. I hope she brings out the side of you that I couldn't bring out. I hope she's everything you ever wanted, and when you fall for her, I hope you fall hard. And when you do, I hope she does too because I truly want what's best for you. I hope you fall in love with someone as much as I fell in love with you because it truly is wonderful to be able to love someone with everything.
My heart misses you. Sorry I wasn't the girl you fell in love with but I hope you find her.
Sincerely,
from the girl who deserved more
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1. You feel like an elder.
When you started college at 18 you probably thought you were SO old. Now at 22 or 23 you realize that you still are not "old," but you are to the 19-year-old that may pop up in your classes. You seem like a grandparent to them, and no I will not buy you your alcohol or help you find a fake ID.
2. You may feel lonely.
Sure, you still have friends on campus. But your "squad" is no longer all there. You go from Thursday night pre-games and 2-for-1's to Skype dates to try to stay connected with all your friends. On a positive note, you are likely going to make new friends with other people who are in the same stage of life as you.
3. Senioritis is more real than ever.
You thought you had it rough this last year, yet this year you are more ready to graduate than ever. But, the real world still scares the hell out of you and you are low-key happy you had an extra semester or two to prepare.
4. You may feel a little down sometimes.
When you see your friends moving all over the country you may feel a little down as you realize you are doing the same thing you have been doing for the last four years. But it is important to remember that it is completely normal to not graduate in four years and you can do even more things to help prepare you for the next phase of your life.
5. Fear of missing out won't be as real.
At least in your college town, most things that are going on with your campus are going to be things that you have already done before. So, on nights you would rather lay in bed than go downtown, the FOMO will probably be much more toned down.
6. You are a college pro.
On the plus side of being a fifth year, you've got this whole thing down. You know the ropes of college: how to study, how to get in with your teachers, where to go on what nights. This is all old news to you and you've got everything down to a science.
7. You'll have more free time.
Sure, you can still be involved but odds are your social calendar just really opened up, AKA no more events you are going to be fined for if you don't go to. With all this extra time maybe you'll get a job or maybe you'll lay in bed. Ultimately, it is your choice.
8. You're happy you're still in school.
Every time you get on Facebook you see so-and-so from high school getting married, having children, etc. And while you're happy for them, you're happy being single and not having that responsibly and being in college an extra year doesn't sound so bad anymore.
9. You feel like a guru.
Odds are people in your classes will know you are a fifth year and know that you pretty much have the campus figured out so you are going to have to answer questions about where the best spots to study are, where to go for game days, etc. You may get annoyed answering questions, but you're still happy you've got the lowdown on everything.
10. You continue to grow.
You are going to learn more about yourself and for the first time since you came to college as a confused, excited and scared freshman you are going to have to get out of your comfort zone a little and make sure to make your (hopefully) last year your best year yet.
1. When dealing with people is too difficult.
2. When food is the best part of your day.
...you can't ever say no to it
3. When you meet new people.
4. When you're the third wheel.
5. When life is tough but you're trying to hold it together.
6. When you're the brunt of a joke.
7. When you're too broke for food.
8. When your judgment could be better.
9. When you're not great at socializing.
10. When honesty is the best policy.
11. When you accept your flaws.
12. When work is not going well.
13. When you skip the gym.
14. When you over think.
15. When you swipe right.
16. When you get a crush.
17. When no major life event is happening
Aubrey Plaza is one of my favorite humans in Hollywood. She's honest, blunt, unapologetic, and hilarious. I just started my sophomore year of college, and found that some of her best moments can accurately describe the start of the school year.
1. When your advisor tells you that you should declare a major soon.
2. Seeing the lost and confused freshmen and remembering that was you a short year ago, and now being grateful you know the ins and outs of the campus.
3. Going to the involvement fair to sign up for more clubs knowing that you are already too involved.
4. When you actually do the reading required for the first class.
5. Seeing your friends for the first time since last semester.
6. When you're already drowning in homework during syllabus week.
7. Realizing you don't have the same excitement for classes as you did as a freshman.
8. Going home and seeing people from high school gets weirder the older you get.
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