Dear Chatty Kathy and her friend, I've Actually Memorized the Book,

I am so glad that you read the book before watching the movie; honestly, I am. I'm a literature major and the thought of any person reading a book and enjoying it so much that they can quote it makes me incredibly happy. However, I do believe that most movies have actors and actresses recite the lines from the script so that you don't have to? Or so I mistakenly thought. You can imagine my surprise when I heard at least 15 quotes coming from BEHIND me, before the actor had opened their mouth, instead of in FRONT of me, when the actor actually spoke.

I am also glad that you are so excited for LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE TRAILER THAT PLAYED BEFORE THE MOVIE STARTED. That's great! Your enthusiasm is unmatched. There are certain times, though, that such enthusiasm should be channeled in a way that isn't vocal. For example, instead of yelling out "I love Hollywood," you could smile. Or, instead of exclaiming, "That looks so good," you could turn to your friend and nod happily. Perhaps instead of screaming, "I KNOW WHAT THIS MOVIE IS, OH MY GOSH IT'S TARZAN," you could excitedly whisper to your neighbor? I could even live with a quiet gasp every now and then.

That brings me to my next point. Laughing, crying, and gasping are all natural reactions to a work of art. I have a loud and annoying laugh and I pretty much cry in everything from "Up" to the preview of a sad movie. I do try to restrain myself from the kind of sobbing that could get you a freelance job as a for-hire mourner or a laugh that could get you the role as the Wicked Witch of the West in "The Wizard of Oz."

As a deeply religious person myself, I understand that you might have the desire to pray during the movie. I was surprised, though, that you prayed out loud. Now, this is just a thought, but most people tend to say more than just "Jesus Christ!" over and over again. Now that I think about it, I don't remember hearing you say an amen, either? Maybe you continued the rest of the prayers in your mind? Who's to say.

Luckily, I did not enjoy the movie that we were watching together (I say together because I felt like you were right next to me the whole time, even though we hadn't been properly introduced). Your exasperated sighs, excessive profanity, and obnoxious cackling only made me dislike the movie more. I would be lying if I said that I didn't think about throwing popcorn at you. That would have been rude and I apologize for thinking about it.

I do not apologize for writing this article, though. I am writing this to offer you some advice. Next time that you go to the movie theater, could you do me a huge favor? If you could just respect the other people watching the movie, that would be fantastic. I am an excitable person - I get very emotional - and I understand what it is like to be super passionate about a book. That is not an excuse for yelling in the movie theater. Nor is your age. If you insist on talking in a fairly empty movie theater, perhaps you could try sitting on the very back row and not directly behind two unsuspecting young adults?

Sincerely,

I Should've Switched Seats During the Previews