If I knew what I know now, I wouldn't have spent hours on a doorstep begging you to hear me. Hear me tell you of all the
reasons why I loved you. Loved you with all of me-- even the parts that were unknown to me. If I knew how all of it would end,
I wouldn't have spent so much time on each of you. Tending to you like a garden knowing damn well my green thumb is somewhere next to pocket change and lost crumbs in between couch cushions. It's this that makes me human, seeing something broken and thinking I can fix it with duct tape and gorilla glue, but this zoo is closed for renovations. The cages
you placed me it became too small and I think it's time I stretch my legs.

"A watched pot never boils." The old saying my mom would use while in the kitchen trying to find an excuse- rather a
validation for her frustration. You've said that you looked for me when you lost me. Why couldn't you find me? Find me where you left me, on that back burner. Not watching me while I viciously thrash about, spilling my contents onto black stove tops-- anything for you to notice me. Blame me for making this mess and turn me down to a simmer while you attend to other more important matters.

If I loved myself as I loved you, I would have told you that you were hurting me; that the backburner you kept me on became
too hot for me to sit on my hands, biting my tongue hoping for your happy return. It's not that I had no love for myself.
It's just that most of my love was going to you like a slo-mo hourglass-- draining my figure, all of me becoming your lifeline.
Your extra life-- cats only have 9 and you tried cheating life one too many times. If I loved you, I would have told you that your zipper was down instead of taking that small victory from myself because for once you knew what embarrassment felt like.

You see, there is a difference between liking and loving, a difference between a deep infatuation and being head over
heels for someone. A difference between love and lust. I liked all of you, fell into a deep infatuation with some of you, and
lusted for most of you. But loving is something that's effortless like waves crashing into each other in the farthest parts of the ocean. Stumbling into one another like a baby giraffe learning to walk. Use me like a banister for support as
you make your way down the curve of my stairs. I guess my parents were right, that there is a time for everything and growing
up shouldn't be rushed-- like a wet manicure, it will get smudged.

But I thank all of you, every single one of you that entered my life and taught me valuable information about myself and people
in general. I regret none of you, keep in touch with some of you and even have a love for most of you. Every single one
of you taught me a lesson with the same theme: I cannot be in a relationship until I study to understand and love myself
with the same passion I used to create dossiers for each of you. Now, yes I am talking about exes, but this can also be said about other types of relationships whether platonic or romantic all of you have added your own personal stamp
within me as one does in a passport. When you read this I hope you get to the end and not stop at the part that triggers you. This isn't a burn you, expose you, trash you, type of thing but instead a type of thing that helps me and hopefully you achieve clarity. You see I have reached the conclusion that I didn't need any of you and I wanted all of you. For you? I hope the clarity
you reach is that I am okay, and you were never a mistake.

With Love,

XX