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An Open Letter To Pop-Tarts®

Presenting: The next great American love story.

Michael Kennedy

Feb 02, 2016

University of New Haven

Scene

Dear Pop-Tarts®,

From the pop of the toaster to the final bittersweet bite, you have always been there for me. You are a true friend – perhaps my best friend – and I have to thank you for that.

Anytime I’m feeling down and need to look to someone for guidance, you’re always there, ready to lead the way.

When we first met so many years ago I knew there was something special between us. You and I formed a bond that day that would never be broken. I remember that day like it was yesterday…

The day was July 17, 2002. A five-year-old Michael raced into the kitchen after a long morning of cartoons. He needed fuel. But Mom had to go to work soon. What was she to do?

Michael needed a quick, nutritious breakfast to provide him with the energy required to complete all the important tasks a five-year-old is responsible for. There was only one answer. What was the answer, Pop-Tarts®? Why, the answer was you! Quick? Absolutely! Nutritious?...

Moving on.

Mom opened up your blue outer shell to reveal your silver inner shell. Gosh, you looked glorious. My eyes were so focused on the light reflecting off of your coat.

I never could have predicted what would happen next. Mom peeled back your metallic layer to reveal what is to this day the most beautiful sight I have ever been fortunate enough to gaze upon.

Your smooth, chocolatey skin was so enticing. I fell in love that day. “Mom. No! What are you doing?” I cried as she took you away from me and placed you into a hot-box of death. I wept as you were murderedbefore my eyes. Suddenly, I heard the sound. It was a sound that I have come to know quite well. Pop!

The rest was a blur. I was in such a state of shock. I completely blacked out. I can’t remember a thing. It wasn’t until later when I was washing the crumbs off my hands I even knew you were gone.

But you weren’t gone. I had no idea then, but I know it now. No matter how many times I mutilate your body with my teeth and send you into a pit of gastric acid, I know that you will always be back for another round.

I love telling that story. It seems no matter how many times we relive that day, we always find new tidbits to enjoy. The point I’m trying to make is that I love you. Pop-Tarts®, I loved you on the day we met, and I will love you until the day I die. And you will probably end up being what eventually kills me, because wow you are unhealthy.

You are one of the worst things to happen to my nutrition, but you are the best thing that will ever happen to my heart. You taught me how to love. Since the day we met, I haven’t stopped loving you. I love every version of you that comes my way. I love you on your sweet, strawberry days. I love you on your warm, hot-fudge-sundae days. I love you on your spicy, cinnamon days. I love you hot. I love you cold. I love you room-temperature. No matter where or what flavor you are, I love you.

I want to thank you in advance for getting me through college. School food is not my favorite, and you are both delicious and cheap (but priceless in my heart).

Pop-Tarts®, I cannot imagine a world without you in it. You keep me grounded. You keep me sane. Without you by my side, who knows where I would be? I’d probably be off in some trash heap digging for Toaster Strudel®. Just the thought of that sends a chill down my spine. Please, don’t ever let my life come to this. Don’t ever leave me. Don’t ever change. You are beautiful inside and out. You bring meaning into my life every day. Thank you. I love you, Pop-Tarts®.

Forever yours,

Michael

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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An Open Letter To Pop-Tarts®

Presenting: The next great American love story.

Subscribe to our Newsletter

Or at least try to do.

1. I will wake up (sorta) on time for class.

2. I will look decent for class.

3. I will go to the gym more.

4. I will go to the library and study more.

5. I will meet new people.

For those long nights that turn into mornings when the struggle is real.

1. Walk in motivated and ready to rock

2. Disappointed you let it get this bad

3. Distracted: When a 10-Minute Break Becomes an Hour

4. When the Yearning for Sleep Sneaks Up

5. In the words of Lorelai Gilmore "Coffee, Coffee, Coffee"

Oh, so done.

You need sleep, but also have 13 things due in the span of 4 days.

1. When it's December 1 and you have seven things due, three exams, and haven't slept in three days.

2. So you stress.

3. And cry.

4. Then call your mom to cry some more.

5. After the pep talk, you feel determined to get everything done.

6. But, now you're tired.

7. And really hungry.

8. Suddenly, it's 2 a.m. and you have only written three sentences and your paper is due in the morning.

9. You've made it to Friday... somehow.

10. Then Sunday hits and you find yourself back at the Lib.

11. So you cry some more.

12. But, you fight through the tears to get everything done because you're determined.

13. In the end, you feel on top of the world because you made it through the last week of class alive.

14. But, now it's finals week so good luck.

The ultimate list and gif guide to a college student's brain during finals.

What does the world outside the library look like?

Can I read this entire book tonight?

I should have gone to class more often.

Did the professor even teach this?

What is the lowest grade I can get on this exam and still pass the class?

Should I just drop out of school now?

Finals are ruining Christmas.

Just wrote three sentences so time for a break.

Need. More. Coffee.

What is sleep?

I'm too stupid for college.

Brain hurts.

Time for a Facebook Break.

I think I'm dying.

When will I ever need this information in the real world?

I can't read any of my notes.

I need my mom.

When was the last time I showered?

I need study snacks.

The struggle is so real right now.

"I want to thank Google, Wikipedia, and whoever else invented copy and paste. Thank you."

1. I'm so tired. I need a nap. Maybe I can sleep with my eyes open in class? Or pretend I'm not napping?

2. We have a test today? Why didn't anyone tell me? Did I know this?!

3. Can I quit school yet? It's only October, and I need a vacation.

4. The struggle is so real.

5. I'm so broke. SOS.

6. Stressed? Eat everything you own in your pantry and stuff your face with all your feelings.

7. "Did we have anything due in class today? Homework? Quiz? Test?" "Not that I know of..."

8. I need food. Where is the closest place to get food? I need it stat.

9. This is the longest day of my life. I need a drink, or two, or three.

10. Sleep? What is sleep? What a foreign concept.

11. When someone suggests going and studying in the library, let alone studying in general.

12. When the cafeteria or student center is packed and you can't find a seat anywhere so you literally have to sit in an abandoned corner.

13. When you see someone you used to hook up with. They see you, and approach you; so you have to pretend like everything is normal.

14. When you get your exam and realize you didn't study as much as you should have.

15. When you crush it on an exam or paper that you totally bullshitted.

16. I need a grande, extra strong coffee to get me through today.

17. When the professor announces you have a project due the following week with no instruction on what it's on and how to do it.

18. Is it Friday yet? Where's the weekend when you need it most?

19. It's freezing in here. I feel like I'm sitting in an igloo. I should have brought a jacket or worn long pants.

20. Did I remember my book? Damn, I forgot the book, and of course I need it for that quiz in class.

21. I would pay a million dollars to not go to class today; or actually never again.

22. I need a hoverboard to ride to class. Maybe then I wouldn't be running 15 minutes late to class every day.

23. Oh she/he's cute! I wonder if they're single. Who are they texting? They're BF/GF? I wonder if they think I'm cute. Could they be a potential new bae?

24. Why is there never any parking? I pay thousands of dollars a year for one parking spot to be open.

25. When it feels like you've been in class for an hour and you look at your phone and it has only been five minutes (I'm crying on the inside).

26. When the professor asks if there are any more questions at the end of class and someone raises their hand.

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