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An Open Letter to the Pillsbury Doughboy, That Jerk!

You know what you did.

Ellen Gerst

Nov 03, 2016

Millennials of Boston

An Open Letter to the Pillsbury Doughboy, That Jerk!

General Mills

Dear the Pillsbury Doughboy, You Jerk,

Hey! What's up, you ugly blob of dough! Hope you're well - NOT! I had you fooled for a minute there, didn't I? As if I want you to be happy! Even the thought makes me laugh, and not in the creepy little way you do. In a mean way.

I'm assuming I don't need to explain why I'm so angry. You know what you did to deserve this strongly worded open letter, you little marshmallow bastard. It was really, really bad and now I'm mad. I didn't mean for that to rhyme. I hope that doesn't take away from the fury of this letter.

Anyways, I hope someone bakes you soon. Seriously, you're at least 50 years old. I'm no baker, but I'm pretty sure you've gotta be super stale by now. Gross! (Just like every other thing about you!) I don't even know what kind of dough you're supposed to be. You're super pale, also - what's up with that? I hope you turn out to be Grands! Flaky Layers biscuits because I like those and would enjoy eating your dead body in that form the most, probably. Actually, I would eat your corpse no matter what baked good it was - I just hate you that much.

I better not see you at Thanksgiving this year.

Adios, JerkFace!!

Ellen >:/

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An Open Letter to the Pillsbury Doughboy, That Jerk!

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Syllabus week doesn't exist.

All names should be "unisex names."

1. Communicating via email can be awkward.

2. Appointments usually accompany weird looks.

3. Introducing yourself to someone is never without a hitch.

4. You’ve probably thought about changing your name.

5. You’re often asked why you have the name you do.

6. You get excited when you meet someone of your gender with your name.

7. You feel awkward when you meet someone of the opposite gender with your name.

8. You’ve had someone say to you, “I knew a [your name], but they were [your opposite gender].”

9. You’ve heard a bad joke/pick-up line or two about your name before.

10. People are surprised when they see you.

11. You’re extra sensitive to other unique or unisex names.

12. You’ve fought with your parents about it.

13. All things considered, you’re happy your name makes you unique.

You know that all of these things apply to you. You'll just never tell.

The struggle bus is real.

1. Child prodigies:

2. Hearing other musicians in the practice room next door and accepting that you will never be as talented as them:

3. That anxiety that takes over before every performance:

4. Taking a million 0 credit classes:

5. When there's a paper due the next day, but you have to attend yet another concert in order to pass a 0 credit class:

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Because you need it in your life.

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