When you first came into my life, I blamed myself. I thought, what could I have possibly done to deserve this? As you came on stronger and the days got harder to cope with, I had convinced myself that I did indeed deserve you. After all, you were the only one that kept me company at my loneliest hours. In fact, you refused to leave me alone at all. But today you do not control me.
My friends and family didn't understand when I told them I couldn't get out of bed most days--because you had shackled me to it. You had taken the one place that I felt at peace and made me a prisoner. You refused to let me go to class and as my grades dropped, for the first time, I did not care. Every plan that I made with friends was cancelled. But today you do not control me.
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My one and only escape has always been writing. Eventually you took that from me, too. You made my words taste vile and told me they looked hideous on paper. As my trashcan got full of crumbled papers and crumbling dreams, I gave up. I stopped writing for months. But today you do not control me. As you see, I even got the nerve to write about you.
You were obsessive. You told my I was unloved, incapable of even being loved. But you, oh you...You loved me more than I thought I could ever love myself. The awful thoughts you put into my head are something I will never be able to forget. You forced me to keep your secrets, persuaded me that I was unable to receive help. For over a year, I fought a very lonely battle by myself. But today you do not control me.
A time came when I realized I didn't have to face you alone. Believe me, that was the greatest day of my life. It was okay to let people in--they were willing to help. I was capable of receiving more love than I ever could imagine. I realized that depression is nothing to be embarrassed about. Antidepressants, doctors, friends, and family are all very accessible outlets. I will never have to be alone, and no one else has to either. You used to control me, but you never will again.
