Queer and/or trans people of color are not afforded time to heal, mourn, or celebrate. For QTPOC the movement for our humanity is always on the run. The Orlando massacre was not an exception to this rule. As the names of the Orlando victims slowly trickled out online, my heart went cold at the Latinx names on the list-- names that I grew up hearing during class and on my way to la botánica. Just hours after the first news was published, I found myself explaining to individuals why race mattered in this instance, why race almost always matters on attacks to the LGBTQIA+ community. Orlando was an attack on my hermanxs. And, in a world that cannot recognize our type of wonderful and a family structure that cannot provide the necessary support against racialized homophobic and transphobic violence, Orlando was an attack on my sense of being.
An Open Letter on the Orlando Massacre:
The first couple of hours after finding out about
Orlando, I could not form coherent thoughts.
Only selected words from fragmented statements
Not yet able to connect through whiplashing
Pain, trauma, sorrow.
Latin night. Shooter.
Pulse. Automatic weapon.
No escape. Delayed response.
Tried to leave. Left just in time.
Guerrero.
Ortiz-Rivera.
Rosado.
Martinez.
Sotomayor.
Queer Latinx.
Brown and black. Brown and black. Brown and black.
Why?
We are not all Orlando.
Today we do not mourn with America.
We do not mourn together.
We do not mourn dead queer Latinx
For you to have an excuse to discriminate against
Muslim bodies.
We do not mourn dead queer Latinx
For you to post about cis, white, male bodies.
We do mourn with everyone
Because some were present at Pulse in spirit,
With each bullet and each laugh and each plea of
“don’t shoot”.
Today we mourn with Borinquén,
With queer and trans Latinx wanting to be free and
whole,
Today we mourn for unread vows, unbought houses,
Missed opportunities, and last words.
Queer love ain’t just Pride parade.
Queer love is: I take what I can get,
And I think real hard, multiple times
Before I open my mouth to ask for more.
Queer love is: I break myself into little pieces
To try to not be in harm’s way,
In your way.
Love us not just now,
Not just because of Orlando.
Love us not only as a false political excuse.
Love us not only when you see fit
To see gay but not brown or black.
Love us for us.
Love us fully.
Love us entirely.
Love us unconditionally.
Love us tightly.
Love us. Love us. Love us.
Love us like you won’t ever have a chance
To love this deep again.
Love us. Love us now.
Love us as deep as your hate on any other day runs.
Love us. Love us. Love us.
Love us how we’ve been taught to love.
And then protect us.
Ser queer y Latinx es morirse por amores sofocantes.
To be queer and Latinx in the United States
Is to be birthed into invisibility
By two sides you didn’t realized were opposed.
To be queer and Latinx in post-Orlando
Is to be queer and Latinx in pre-Orlando
‘Cause the truth is our people love us,
But some love us too hard with
Stone prayers to hell and better-off-gone’s.
When I think queer Latinx love
I recall myself pleading
“Mami, don’t call your babalawo,
Don’t read your Spanish cards,
Don’t throw your red tinted coconut shells,
‘Cause you don’t gotta fix nothin’ that ain't broken.”
Queer Latinx love be strong, be deep;
It just don’t be enough sometimes.
We don’t be enough for you all most times.
Love goes only so long as a person doesn’t break.
Think Orlando, think a shooting,
Think possibly losing a loved one,
Think possibly not knowing where they are,
Think possibly not knowing because
The news is in English,
The website listing the deceased is in English,
The people asking for interviews on the street are
Speaking in English,
Think possibly not receiving medical treatment
On the basis of your immigration status,
Think possibly not seeing your dead son one last time
Because the U.S. won’t grant you a visa,
Think not knowing you had a queer son
Until he was no longer with you.
Now think not possibility but reality.
Today we mourn,
We do not fight.
We do not educate.
We do not break.
We matter. Our people matter.
Today we mourn.
We mourn our own.
We mourn not for you,
And not even for us,
We mourn for
Stanley Almodovar III, 23 years old
Amanda Alvear, 25 years old
Oscar A Aracena-Montero, 26 years old
Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33 years old
Antonio Davon Brown, 29 years old
Darryl Roman Burt II, 29 years old
Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28 years old
Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25 years old
Luis Daniel Conde, 39 years old
Cory James Connell, 21 years old
Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25 years old
Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32 years old
Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez, 31 years old
Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25 years old
Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26 years old
Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22 years old
Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22 years old
Paul Terrell Henry, 41 years old
Frank Hernandez, 27 years old
Miguel Angel Honorato, 30 years old
Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40 years old
Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez, 25 years old
Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36 years old
Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32 years old
Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35 years old
Enrique L. Rios, Jr., 25 years old
Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, 27 years old
Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, 35 years old
Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24 years old
Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24 years old
Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34 years old
Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33 years old
Martin Benitez Torres, 33 years old
Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega, 24 years old
Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37 years old
Luis S. Vielma, 22 years old
Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez, 50 years old
Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37 years old
Jerald Arthur Wright, 31 years oldYou can find more of my writing in my self-published chapbook "Qubanitx," which is available for purchase on Amazon and CreateSpace. Qubanitx is a collection of poetry by Arlene B. Gamio Cuervo, a genderqueer Latinx. Qubanitx is a queering of Cubana, with the adoption of an 'x' at the end to symbolize nonbinary gender identity and a 'q' at the beginning to represent a queer Latinx self.
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