Dear Mom,

I wish I had the chance to know you. I miss you all of the time. I love you with all of my heart. I wish you could have been there when I graduated high school. I wish you could have helped me shop for school clothes every year. Helped me pick out my sports gear. You could have come to my games. I wish you could have helped me through my first breakup. I wish you could be there when I pick a place to live. I wish you could be there when I graduate college. I wish you could be there when I have kids.

There’s so many things I can wish for, but I know they’ll never come true. Don’t be sad though mom. I’m okay. Your sister has taken care of me, and loves me just as much as you would have. She’s been a mother to me. She’s helped me so much, but I’ll always wonder what could have been.

When I think of you, I think of the perfect mother. You would have been there for every game, every breakup, every new school year, every transition, every life moment. You would have been so much fun. And I never doubt that you loved me with all of your heart.

I’m so sorry I didn’t get to know you better. When I lost you, I thought the world stopped turning. I try my hardest to forget about you. It just hurts too much when I remember that you aren’t with us.

Sometimes your sister says I laugh just like you, and it gives her chills. It gives me chills too. I wish I knew your laugh like she does. She says you were all about style, and I want you to know that I am too. You were beautiful, and I hope I'm just half as beautiful as you were.

I keep your wallet with me at school, but try not to look at it often. When I do cool things, which is rare, I hope you’re looking down on me with a smile. I want you to know that I just want to make you proud. I want you to know that I’m living for the adventure. I try my hardest in school. I smile as much as I can about everything I can. I’ve messed up a lot too. I’ve made mistakes that I’m not proud of, but I’ve tried a lot of things.

Finally, I really do love you. At least I love who I think you are. I imagine you’re in heaven somewhere chilling with your angel friends. And one day, I’m hoping I get up there and get to chill too. Maybe we’ll go bike riding through the clouds. We’ll have a feast with the family, and we’ll eat and laugh. There’s a lot of things I’m pretty excited about, so don’t be sad mom. Just know that I’m gonna do my work here and will see you later. I miss you just as much as you miss me, but we’ll be together again soon.

Love, Nikki