As Brock Turner's face is plastered onto increasing social media platforms, my stomach twists into knots that sicken the deepest part of me. The brave woman at the other end of his "20 minutes of confusion" has my utmost respect for fighting to make her voice heard. In this woman's response to her assault, she brings up a great point and the gist of it is this: in addressing the issue of college sexual assault, let's build up boys to be men, rather than shake our finger and say that everyone should just drink less.
What does it mean to be a man?
I don't know and I'm not going to pretend like I do. I am not going to list out "10 qualities of being a man," because I don't think anyone can fit inside of a box. Is it simply a biological category, or is it a social construct? In my experience babysitting a young boy and girl who were unrelated, I witnessed firsthand the raw evidence of gender socialization. The boy was focused on one thing for hours; impressing the girl. He did this in a few different ways. He went to great lengths to prove how strong, tough and unafraid he was. He quickly accepted the challenge to do a belly flop into the pool as if it was no big deal, though I could tell he was scared about how much it would hurt. He refused to flinch, move or show emotion while the girl threw tennis balls at him to show he is immovable and brave. He was especially rebellious against authority because she was watching.
The stereotypes run deep in our society and were already ingrained in the subconscious of the young boy I was watching. Men must be tough, emotionless, brave, have strong leadership qualities, big muscles, a raging libido, and mow the lawn. They cannot cry, and the only feelings that other men affirm are feelings of anger or sexual desire. Passion is not acceptable, unless of course its for a sports team, and be sure to never show signs of weakness because men always keep their cool.
I don't find these stereotypes helpful or realistic and I think they are actually damaging. I have had the privilege to watch many men find and embrace what it means to be a man and live that out -- from family to friends to acquaintances. So while the U.S. makes Brock Turner famous for the atrocious crimes he committed, I want to also put some awesome men in the limelight for the ways they are freaking killing it at being men.
1. My Dad - As I grew up, I went through phases of really testing my father's love. From refusing to give hugs and subtle rejections of his care, I was always confident he would be there no matter what. I admire that, throughout those years, he refused to use guilt trips or manipulation to force me to appreciate him. Instead, he loved me through my bratty stages with no strings attached.
2. My Grandpa- Who was a die-hard computer nerd and never hesitated to step away from the computer to play rubber-band war with his 8-year-old granddaughter.
3. My Professor - Often, when a husband and wife are with their small children and one of the children needs something or begins to cry, it's just expected the wife is supposed to take care of it. I have seen this play out where the husbands are fully engaged in an activity, but the wife is running around trying to meet the needs of her three small children by herself, while still trying to enjoy the activity. My professor and his wife kind of blew my mind. He was often the first to tend to his child so that his wife could continue to participate.
4. My Friend - Who did one of the bravest things I've ever seen. During a time of prayer with friends, he shared, for the first time, his deepest struggle, revealed his ultimate weakness and asked for our support.
5. Another Friend - Who pursued a girl in light of her value as a human being. Rather than try to satisfy his desires by going for her body, he went for her heart and gave her the choice to give him her body as well -- through a proposal.
As I picked out some examples to use, I realized that what I admire in the men around me do not fit stereotypes; instead I find that I admire those qualities that are genderless and apply to all of humanity.
Dear Men,
As you wrestle with life, difficult questions and identity, remember your extraordinary value. You are more than the spouse that brings home the bacon. At the end of the day, your children do not want you for the money you bring home, they just want to snuggle with you. Your wife doesn't keep you around to fix the kitchen sink, she wants to spend her life getting to know you and being known by you. Your value does not lie in the paycheck you earn or the work you do. The size of your muscles does not determine the strength in your name, or the respect you deserve.
I respect your tears and I admire the bravery of asking for help. Kudos when you walk into IHOP with pink toes because your 4-year-old daughter needed a canvas.
And for those times when you've let me down, shake it off and keep going. I will let you down, too, but that just makes the journey even more beautiful because now we equally need each other's grace.
So for all the men who I mentioned above and the many more who continue to set the example: thank you.
(P.S. - Check out these quick promos for The Representation Project and watch the documentaries on Netflix! There are two -- one focused on men and the other on women. They are an amazing start in the discussion of gender stereotypes in the U.S. and I guarantee they will rock your world!)
