No one really talks about who your first love is. Your real first love that is. The one who was supposed to love you from day one. The one who's the number one fan. The one guy who shapes your view on guys from the beginning.
Dear Dad,
I know there are a million articles out there about how you are such an amazing man. I know there are thousands of articles out there about how no other man can measure up to you or how your the best friend a girl could ever ask for. This is not one of those articles.
The harsh reality of it is, many people do not have the luxury of having an article worthy dad and nobody talks about that. I know for a fact that I am not the only one out there that feels that way. It brings me to tears knowing that you will never be the man in those articles.
First, I'd really like you to know that I am not mad at you. I am 20 years old now. You broke my heart a long ago and I have had time to heal. Know that I know that it is not entirely your fault that you are the way you are, and that's okay.
I know this might be hard for you to believe but you broke my heart way before I even knew I had a heart to break. I was young, my hair was crazy and I was struggling to find an outfit to match my awkwardly shaped figure. You told me I looked like a mess and that no one would ever want me if I looked like a slob all the time. We were only going out to get pizza.
The second time you took a hammer to my heart was when I was in 6th grade and I had a very important field hockey game and mom couldn't be there. I finally got playing time and I looked out into the crowd. You weren't there. You were over by your car talking to a bunch of people, not even paying attention.
The biggest break of all though was when I was shopping for a dress for my friends sweet 16 birthday party. I found this amazing red dress that made me feel beautiful and confident. You asked me if I wanted a pole with that dress.
That was the lowest for us.
I tried to forgive you. I really have. For most things, I have forgiven you but I have not forgotten.
It's hard for me though. A father is supposed to be loving. He is supposed to be supportive. He is supposed to build your self esteem up so high that none of those dumb boys out there can tear it down. You should assure me that I am smart, beautiful, and hopefully doing something right. But most importantly you should help me to learn to be proud of myself and independent.
I can count on two hands how many times you've called me beautiful since I've turned 13.
I can count on one hand how many times you have told me you are proud of me. I distinctly remember the first time.
Just know that I do love you, but also know that every heart break I have hasn't been so bad because I never had a full heart to give.
Just know that I love you, but every time I start to get close to a man I am afraid that he will judge everything that is wrong about me instead of loving all the good in me.
Just know that I love you, but the confidence I have today, the self assured person I have become, the independently beautiful women I have become, has nothing to do with you.
Yours Truly,
Your Beautiful Daughter.
