Ever since I was a little girl I dreamt about my wedding day. I dreamt about what it would be like to see the man I love standing at then end of the aisle, in a pretty white dress, and with my daddy on my arm. I dreamt about all of my family members watching me and smiling because they knew that I was going to be the happiest girl in the entire world for the rest of my life
Throughout middle and high school boys came and they went, and I experienced the pain of losing them, but there was always a new boy around the corner to fill that empty space. Then I went off to college, and everything changed. My mom always joked that I was going off to school to get a BS degree and not an MRS. degree. I laughed and said that I was way too young to be ready to settle down. It’s funny how in retrospect mothers are usually right. I went to school and met so many new people. The boys were cute, but none caught my eye.
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Then I was introduced to the boy that would change everything for me. One of my good friends at the time set us up on a date, and it went so well. He was timid at first, barely talked. I thought he wasn't really interested, but he, being tall, dark, handsome; I was intrigued. The night turned out to be the best date I have ever been on and it turned out that it was the same for him. We were inseparable from then on. We spent every day together, we could not go a day without seeing each other, even if it meant being posted up in the library for hours. I will never forget the night he told me he loved me. We were out having a good time with our friends and we fought over something so dumb I can’t even remember. There was yelling and we never yelled. I walked him back to his place, and as I was about to leave he grabbed me and with the most sincere eyes he told me he loved me and that he couldn't imagine losing me.
See, something they don't tell you about love when you're young is how much it hurts and how much it takes out of you. I was his. I lived and breathed to make him happy. My worth and my happiness were based off how he felt about me. I would never have done anything to make him angry. Seeing his smile is what I lived for. I stopped seeing my friends, I spent all of my free time with him. We did what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. I was his. If I wasn't at practice or in class I was with him. If he wasn't happy, I wasn't happy. I was completely tied to him. I built up my life around him. I even scheduled my classes around him so that I could see him. All of my friends were his friends. I planned my life around making him happy.
So when he stopped being so incredible, I put up with it. I let him treat me poorly. I let him put me last when I always put him first. I let him stop trying to win me over, because we both know I would have never left…… but he did. My world stopped on August 16. I had tied my entire worth into this one boy. I couldn't keep myself together. I spent my time crying and thinking about all the things I could have done to make him change his mind. We were supposed to get married. I told my father I was going to marry this boy. How was I supposed to come home and tell them I wasn't good enough for him? We had everything planned out. And he took it all away without any consideration of me. I thought if I was prettier, skinnier, funnier, smarter, or a better girlfriend that he might have stayed. That he might have wanted me. Relationships are funny in that way. "The worst part of the breakup isn’t the breakup. It's the fact that you've lost the person you would have talked about it with"… but hey, they are gone now… I was gone. He took so many parts of me that I thought I would never get back….
My mom, who is the greatest woman on earth, called me every day for a week after the breakup to make sure that I was still eating and getting out of bed. She told me every day that she was praying for me. I thought, praying? What is that going to do to for me? I grew up in the South and every adult in my family is a strong believer, but I had never felt “the calling”. At least not until I was on my bathroom floor, crying so hard I was unable to move. You know that feeling where you're crying so hard that every part of your body hurt? That’s where I was. Then a friend of mine sent me a simple verse that changed my life, it reads:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all you heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13
I cried out that night for God to give me peace and to fulfill this hole that was tearing at my soul. Immediately, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I began reading The Bible that had been sitting in the back of my closet since the day my parents gave it to me so many years ago. Since this night, I have become involved with a church, a bible study, and our school’s RUF. I have never felt so free. My whole life I had been expecting a boy to fill this sense of longing, but I was never satisfied. I always wanted more. I wanted more attention or more love. God has fulfilled all of my longings and my desires. When I think of the boy that broke my heart, I thank Him. I know that God put me through these trials so that I could be lead to Him. I needed to hit rock bottom and truly feel the loneliness that I had always known was there to understand that no earthly person or thing will ever make my life whole. But my soul longs for Him and for His love.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wound. Psalms 147:3
Whether you are trying to fill the loneliness and the sadness with boys, money, alcohol, drugs, or any other earthly thing, you will never be completely whole. Nothing will ever be good enough. But trust in the Lord, and you will find peace. You will find understanding. You will find groups of people that will support you through the rest of your life. You will find the man that God has intended for you, that will grow with you and allow you to grow your relationship with God.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27
So I just want to say to those that are lost, that are lonely, that are heartbroken: that someone is here for you. The Lord is here for you. His children are here for you. I am here for you. When you're broken and think that there is no one that loves you, understand that God sent his only son down to this dark, evil world in order to die for our sins so that we can live an eternal life with him in Heaven. When you think there is no one that loves you and that no one is there for you, know that He loves and cares for you.
I believe He put me through this heartbreak so that my heart would break for Him.
