Whether it's a parent, a grandparent, a sibling or a friend, we all can relate to wanting more time, wishing for another chance. The would'ves and the should'ves will drive you crazy but despite religion, I truly believe that our loved ones that have passed can hear us when we speak to them. So if you're listening, here's everything I wish I could tell you today and every other day.

To the one I've lost,

I can't believe you've been gone for almost a year already. It seems like just yesterday we were laughing around the dinner table till our eyes started tearing. Although it feels like time has passed so quickly, it's been a long year without you. Learning to live without you has been tough. I had to get used to you not being on the other side of that telephone, and being absent at every birthday, holiday and celebration to come. I miss you all the time and the littlest things remind me of you. There are so many things I want to say to you, so if you can hear me right now, listen closely.

Time does not heal all wounds.

This is something I’ve had to learn the hard way. They’ll tell you a lot of things growing up, that the boy who pushes you in the playground secretly likes you or that tea mixes good with honey, but they never tell you that sometimes things happen to you and you’re never the same again. Sometimes you lose people and with that you lose a part of yourself and you’re never really whole again, but the carousel just keeps on turning.

I hope you're proud of me.

Every decision I make and every good thing that happens I think "if only you were here". You were my biggest fan. You were there cheering me on through every little accomplishment and it kills me to know that you won't be around for some of the biggest days of my life. But I know you'd be so proud of the young adult I am becoming and the strong woman you helped shape me into. My kind heart and free spirited humor comes directly from you.

Thank you.

That's something I didn't say enough while you were here and I'm sorry for that. Thank you for protecting me, for fighting for me, for always putting me first, but most of all for loving me unconditionally.

And lastly, I forgive you.

There’s this stage of grief where death leaves us angry; angry at the illness or person that caused it, angry at God for letting it happen, angry at the deceased for leaving us alone and confused. This is my apology letter to you for how long it took me to get past that stage.

So yes, it still hurts just like it did 365 days ago, and yes, there’s a part of me that left the day you did; but I’m learning every day that just because you’re not physically here, does not mean you are gone completely. I still hurt, I still grieve, I still get angry, but the carousel just keeps on turning.

Love always,

Me

In Loving Memory of Muriel Chorbak 5.08.2015