In case you hadn’t noticed, earlier this morning (Friday, October 21) Internet all up and down the East Coast crapped out.

Despite my prayers that the major nuisance would annihilate Muse* (so we could replace it with something that actually works) I was pretty aggravated. So I’ve decided to write an open letter to the ass hats that did this.

Ahem.

Dear Ass Hats,

Who do you think you are?

What gives you the right?

It is Friday. It is my one day off. This day is a sacred day reserved for Netflix and napping and LO AND BEHOLD YOU HAVE RUINED IT! What do you have to say for yourselves? Let me paint you a little picture.

Me. Awake. It is six in the morning. I am angry. I am tired. I slave (not really though, because I’m a lifeguard) through my early morning shift with the promise of a nice, long day of doing nothing ahead of me. I go home, put on a little iZombie (I’m a fan of campy) and am determined to just chillax.

This is all going swimmingly until your little stunt. Yes, my Netflix decides to kill itself off. Now, being that I am no stranger to technical difficulties when it comes to my router (big shout out to the crappiest provider ever, Wow! Cable) I figure it’s a glitch. It’ll fix itself. I scoot on down to my favorite coffee shop, order my favorite sandwich and chips, and bring it back home so I can watch iZombie the right way. Then you rapscallions come along and crush my dreams. I am forced to eat my sandwich while scrolling through (shudders)Facebook.

This is a damper on my day.

It is then that I find out about your stupid little games with DDoS (denial-of-service) and Dyn. Boy, I have a word in mind for you and it rhymes with “truckers.”

I’m not sure what your goals were today. During my long nap (the one thing you couldn’t take away from my day of rest) I had many hypotheses as to what you could possibly have done this for.

Maybe you did it for “world domination.” Maybe today was my last day of my regular life before you bring about the end of the world, as we know it. Maybe you had to crush the Internet to carry out some secret plan to ruin the Trump campaign (if so, mazel tov). Maybe this is all some big Illuminati conspiracy distraction while the military derailed a potential nuclear attack. And, for posterity, maybe it was

I’m honestly okay with any of the above listed reasons, and I’m sure I could come up with a hundred more entertaining theories for why you literally “broke the Internet.” Oh, by the way, I hate you for making me use that term. That term that defines a group of people who clearly don’t understand that “going viral” does not equal “breaking” something.

Just please, the next time you set out for world domination or political sabotage or otherworldly experiments…

Leave my Netflix out of it.

Good day.

P.S.

*New York Odyssey people, as I write this Muse is giving me hell. Please. Please don’t make us poor, unfortunate content creators live like this anymore.