It took me years to realize that good grades, a long list of irrelevant achievements, and a ranking number did not define me, did not determine my value, and most certainly were not worth all the excess stress. Maybe at the time, I really did feel fulfilled. My friends were hitting the books just as hard as me, all looking to get as many college hours as possible from dual enrollment courses and AP exams. There were several breakdowns, nights of frustration, anxiety, sleep deprivation and more 12-hour days than I’d like to admit. In the end, I had a picture perfect honor student’s reputation, and I was okay with it because I thought that was what I was supposed to strive towards. My high school paralleled GPA rankings with success, and something deep inside me believed the parallel to be true. The closer to rank one I got, the more successful I felt. My parents were proud, my teachers praised me and other students wondered how I did it all. At the time, I really did feel successful.
I’m not saying all my hard work was a waste, or that it’s bad to be driven. I sincerely enjoyed several of my extracurriculars, and since my friends were all just as busy, we bonded by working alongside one another towards a similar goal. I was a nerd who loved books then, and I'm a nerd who loves books now. I'm not ashamed of that. I can think of plenty of worse ways I could have spent my high school years. But then I think back to the pointless weekends I spent giving my everything for organizations I wasn’t passionate about, and that offered me nothing after graduation. I think about all the summers I spent taking college courses so that I could raise my ranking and accumulate more hours. I never even looked at the courses I was taking. I just wanted more.
Even one year after high school, my successes in high school were something I claimed with pride. All those organizations I joined, regardless of whether I enjoyed myself or not. All those courses I took that would now allow me to get my bachelor’s a year earlier. The resounding reply I always got from college friends was “Why?”
Why would I want to rush the best years of my life? What satisfaction would I receive from leaving the university I worked so hard to enter sooner than expected. I used to tell myself I was saving money, that I could start working earlier and that I could focus on my Master’s sooner. In reality, I’m one year away from graduating and in no way ready for the real world. It all feels too soon, too rushed. The college freshman I started out with are barely halfway done with their bachelor’s, a handful of opportunities still open to them. The time I have in comparison to grow and explore suddenly feels much smaller, and quickly diminishing.
These days I work just as hard at my courses, not because I have to, or for bragging rights, but because I genuinely enjoy them. I was lucky enough to find my passion in writing and literature early on, and I could not be happier with my reading assignments and load of essays. I’m doing what I love, and I no longer need approval from others to know that what I’m doing has a purpose. I join organizations not to gain recognition, but to de-stress, gain new experiences and make the most of my time in college.
To all the college students who are recovering high school achievers, I hope you have put your drive towards a passion you find purposeful. I wish you all a very happy college experience.
