Dear Ladies,

The entire reason I am writing this is because I hope to trigger thought in some of you. When I was in a toxic relationship, I look back and wish more people were brutally honest with me. Granted, I wasn’t always open about the problems I was dealing with, so that I take responsibility for. You are not alone, and sometimes it takes work to really overcome the obstacles put in place by another person because you feel your ability to control was taken away.

One statement that I will always try to invalidate is: It is normal to fight. I beg to differ—and by I beg to differ I mean to say that it is absolutely and positively wrong. No two people are exactly the same, and that isn’t to say people will not disagree. However, a healthy relationship is one that accepts disagreement and fosters conversation rather than develops tension. Partners will bicker, and it is completely natural to have emotions, and sometimes we can’t control those emotions…but, lines need to be drawn that should never be crossed. The fact of the matter is, I am not denying fights will happen. What I am saying, however, is that constant arguing that leads to you questioning your worth on a regular basis is something that must change. It isn’t far fetched to say that people are very difficult to change, simply because the only person who can change them is them. Your partner won’t stop just because you ask them to; they will when they want to.

This leads into the concept of control. If you feel you lack control of yourself, your social life, and even your thoughts–it is time for damage control. In this progressive era when women are striving towards equality slowly but surely, we must stop romanticizing abusive relationships. It is not “cute” when you partner is jealous to the point where you are afraid to make friends and go out to enjoy yourself. When they say, “you are not leaving me,” it doesn’t mean they care about you, it means they care about controlling you. Autonomy is something not only to be valued, but also practiced.

If someone truly loves you, they will respect your goals and the decisions you make. That doesn’t mean conversations cannot happen and that doesn’t mean their advice is irrelevant. The problem that could arise is that they make you second-guess your abilities and pressure you into a way of thinking. You might think you’re all grown up, but we are constantly developing as people. With that being said, the deeper you go into a toxic relationship, the harder and longer the process is to crawl out of it.

Sometimes the only way to demand respect is to save your breath and move on. It is so much easier said than done, but it is necessary to consider this: Are you investing so much time into these arguments because you know they are the one, or are they all you know? Are you silencing your own views simply to silence the other person, even if it is temporary?

I truly to believe we should fight for anything that is worth fighting for, even love. I just find that saying to be problematic, because people can take that as literal fighting. In this sense, fighting means work. Work for what you want in life, and make the necessary changes to achieve it. Life is all about trial and error; we cannot be so hard on ourselves when we choose to walk away from something that we thought we wanted forever. You should always remain the number one priority in your life, and if someone cannot see the beauty in that–it is time to reevaluate the relationship–not yourself.

Wishing you a life of happiness and success.

Sincerely,

A friend