Loving someone with an emotional disorder might be one of the most challenging things you ever do. The two of you will have normal days, and then you’ll have days that make you long for normal. Frustration comes very easily with any situation like this, so take some deep breaths and think it through before reacting. Growth comes from trial and error; change, even for the better, stems from discomfort. Embrace it and make an effort to help him out. Here are a few of the things I’ve learned through loving someone with an emotional disorder.
1. It's not his fault.
Those who struggle with emotional disorders never asked to be that way. It’s been scientifically proven that the brain undergoes physiological changes in someone with depression, anxiety, etc. They can’t really control when or where their attacks happen; most of the time, it’s all they can do to hold themselves together until they find a time and place to fall apart without inconveniencing people.
2. He doesn't want to bother you.
When he calls or texts you seeking guidance, try to remember that he doesn’t want to inconvenience you with his prodding. In my experience, it usually takes a lot of internal back and forth before he is even willing to mention he’s feeling upset. Try not to get angry or upset about the fact that he is looking to you for comfort. You may be one of the only people he feels he can trust to care for him. Don’t take that lightly.
3. He might not know what he needs.
In the moment, he probably won't know what he needs from you. Don't ask lots of questions; that will most likely overwhelm him. Try to think back to what has been helpful before and repeat those steps. Otherwise, speak quietly and calmly and avoid harsh, sharp words; that will exacerbate the situation.
Sometimes, silence is the perfect cure. All he may need is for you to be present and willing to offer assistance when he can eventually verbalize his needs. Unless you know for certain that it helps or it’s specifically requested, be careful about physical touch; it can be misconstrued as threatening depending on the situation. In our situation, the most helpful thing I can do is pray over him and read Scripture. The reminder that God is there even more fervently than I am is more comforting than most other things I can do. The best general rule of thumb, at least in my opinion, is to approach the situation with caution and remember that his needs, not your heroics, are most important.
4. He's still the man you love.
During a stressful situation, try to remember that he is not defined by his disorder. Think about all the wonderful memories you have outside of those rough days and remember all the qualities about him you so lovingly cherish: his smile, his laugh, his sense of humor, the way he cares about you, etc. Don’t allow his disorder to overtake your perception of him. He is still a person, and he is still your person.
5. Don't neglect yourself.
I know it’s difficult to understand his disorder, but try to be empathetic. I do not mean that you should make his disorder about you. What I mean by this is: he needs you for support and for guidance, so don’t be afraid to reach out to others for help. You can’t be expected to pick up on everything easily, and trying to take on the entire situation by yourself can be daunting. Look to those older, wiser, or with experience to share their expertise. In the end, it could be the most helpful thing you do for him. And lastly, as 1 Thessalonians tells us, “Be joyful always. Pray continually. Give thanks in all circumstances.”
I would also like to add the disclaimer that:
This can apply to anyone of any gender that suffers from an emotional disorder, but it will not apply to everyone. These are just the methods I've found that work for us.
