The goal is to always have a new goal. But the goal always has to be involving just myself, whether it be on my education, joining a new club, or finding a new way to wind down and destress. Now, it may seem great that I am so focused on myself, but there comes a problem with it: I don't expect people to be there for me or a part of my life. And while yes, they are a part of my life currently, I don't imagine them in my future. After growing up watching your mother go through bad relationships, as well as losing friends, you start to wonder if that will happen to you.
That is why growing up I became so invested in things that involved just myself and I knew could be consistent in my life. I unintentionally chose from a young age to not open up and invest in people. After being hurt by friends who left, or always being the second choice, I decided not to try anymore. That's when my investment in grades and dance became my main priorities and it just got worse as I got older. Yes, I know that my career is a great thing to focus on, but when you do not have social relationships to balance it, your future becomes lonely and your focus can become unhealthy.
Even while I made more friends as I got older, I never made any real effort to be their friend. Yes, I loved them dearly, but I always knew not to open up to them. So when they left, it did not hurt anymore because I did not ever put my full trust in them. So I fully apologize for the fact that I seem heartless, but I cannot let myself be vulnerable, and it gets harder to show and invest feeling in people as I get older. But that is the way I trained my mind growing up, so when someone leaves, I don't even flinch.
As much as I love being so driven by my passions, I have also grown up with thoughts that have now turned into fear. I fear commitment, trust, and, in a way, consistency. Usually, people who grew up without consistency search for it and need it, but I chose not to. I run away from consistency, always looking for new things to do and new places to go. I learned to take my fear of being alone with myself in the present and in my future and became so in love with it that I still push people away to this day. But I will admit that I am getting burnt out with just myself, but I do not know how to shut off the part of me that keeps pushing others away.
So I decided to make a new goal for myself. I made it a goal to open up and start finding out what the word 'trust' really means because I still am unsure of what it is. I also made it a goal to find consistency in life that does not involve just myself. I will learn to not just let myself be the only person who can make me happy, or the only person I imagine being there for me through everything life throws at me. I do not know if I will ever reach these goals, or not have a heart attack when people talk about a person in their present life in a way that assumes that person will still be in their future, but that does not mean I will not continue to try to discover what opening up means. So as much as I love being independent and my own superhero, I cannot do this forever. So to everyone in my life, please be patient with me and do not take things I say to heart, I am just trying to find a better me.
