DISCLAIMER: I write for Odyssey where I was asked to write anything from my experience and this is what I came up with. Hope you enjoy.
If I could speak from my heart and not hold back and be free, I mean truly liberated from anything holding me back spiritually, emotionally and mentally, I would say ‘Thank you.’ As of right now, before I continue writing, I give up all pride, selfishness, and fear and give complete authorship to love, vulnerability and humility. Funny how you never responded, but I got your message loud and clear. Silence. Thank you for giving that to me because with it, it said a million words I never heard your lips utter. Any questions, any doubts, any preconceived thoughts were clarified in your silence more than any of your actions and words could ever do. Your silence was the best answer I received from you. Thank you. Thank you for liberating me and letting me go. Although I needed the call that was always dropped because of what you called “bad service.” Thank you. Thank you for doing what I thought I wasn’t ready to do, which was let go. Thank you for not reading the last message I sent you although it was my closure in clarifying everything I ever wanted you to understand before I went to go “have my nice life,” as you so eloquently put it. I appreciate the role you played in my life because I learned valuable lessons. I mean we had some good times too but like the good show, it came to an end. They say lovers break your heart but so do friends. Funny, how that type of broken heart is rarely sung about when it’s broken by a friend.
If my heart truly held the pen to write the words that I feel to be liberated from you, I would say, “Fuck you.” Fuck you for not being the FRIEND you were supposed to be or the friend I thought you were to me. For U not checking on me to see how I’ve been doing occasionally, and although not good some of the time, would have lied and told you I was fine but it’s just the idea that that’s what friends do for each other from time to time. Fuck you for CONFUSING the conversations we had with your social media posts or conversations you had with your “other friends” because the ones we had were…well, you know. Every blue moon, and literally, I mean one or two conversations, we branched off and explored each other’s views and mind, but the majority was not at all how you thought it was and I don’t know if you told yourself that lie to help you sleep better…but to each his own.
Like seriously, fuck you for KNOWING that I was confused and not clarifying any confusion I had about your messages or you as a person or even apologizing for offending me and for not at minimum, making any efforts to understand where I was coming from. Fuck you! Fuck you for only seeing me as a sex object and not clarifying to me if you saw me otherwise. Fuck you for feeling liberated and privileged to tell me to give you a part of me that you didn’t deserve but when I actually gave you gifts to show you support you never accepted it. Do I look anything less than that of a Queen? So why did you treat me like I was one of your “hoes?” Man, fuck you for not understanding that when you just want to be friends, you forfeit any privileges of having sex. Fuck you for thinking I didn’t see what the fuck you were doing because “I liked you so much.” The hurt I felt was great because I didn’t “just like you” and the way you treated a “friend” was fucked up. I harbored that shit because out of the few friends I had in my life that stayed or left, they didn’t manage to hurt my feelings like you did, intentionally or not, it doesn’t make it hurt less, bruh. I respected you. I looked up to you. Your drive, your swag, your hustle, your aura, your focus, your determination, your charm, your hard work, your talent, your beauty all captivated me equally. Do you honestly think it was just your looks? I prayed to God to help me get over you which was one of the reasons why, even though some may take it as immature, I blocked you because I truly wanted to view you as a friend and as a friend solely and rid and kill any part of me that wanted to view you otherwise because I held you with much regards and didn’t want to lose you, even if a friend is all we would ever be. When I saw you, you acted like you didn’t know me and I don’t know if that was your way of getting back at me, but that was cold because all I ever wanted was your honesty. I don’t want your honesty anymore because at this point, it would just be aggression with hurtful intent. “Why can’t we be friends?” Believe me, I tried. But you treated me less than that. Funny how society believes that progression from a friendship to a relationship is pressure but talking about sex is easy. No, I’m not saying that sex is not up for discussion, but is that all we have to discuss? I was willing to throw away my feelings to just being a friend. What did you think this was? What did I think this was? Fuck your silence. Fuck you dropping me and fuck you for letting me go, bruh.
On the same note, my heart would say, I understand why you did what you did and I don’t fault you. I was “toxic” to you and at the time not understanding so you did what was best for you.
Lastly, if I allowed my heart to speak, it would say, “I’m sorry.” Sorry that I had a standard and certain definition of a friend and limited you to that. I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet the side of you everyone else knew. Sorry for looking at you more than just a friend. An attractive, talented, business man, can you blame me? I am sorry for putting you in an awkward position to be open with me, honest with me. I realize how that feels. Sorry for expecting any more from you than you were willing to give…able to give. I’m sorry for being inconsiderate of the space you were in, what you were going through, how you were feeling. I’m sorry for overthinking and making assumptions. Not excusing it, just clarifying that it was all that I could do being that I rarely heard from you and when I tried to start conversation, you rarely hit me back. I’m sorry for sending mixed signals and confusion on my end, that was never my intention. I just wanted there to be a balance in conversation topics if I was going to settle to be your friend. It was either for me to do that or to let you go and I didn’t want to let you go because when I do, it’s a wrap, I was just wanting to make sure that that’s something you truly wanted. I’m sorry you never got to see the whole me. Because if it was any other “friend,” they would have gotten cut off with no second thought the moment they did a third of what you did. I held on too long. But now I’m letting go. I was holding on to hope still, and I’m sorry. Sorry for looking past your actions and all the signs you were sending me. That probably was your way to let me know in a nice way how you really felt. I’m sorry.
You were the greatest lesson ever learned in 2016 for me. I learned to accept people for who they are. Appreciate the role they play in my life whether temporarily or permanently. I learned that communication is key as long as I can understand the other person’s language. I learned it’s ok to be expressive, but after one or two times, to let the idea or person go, if they just don’t get it and not to send long bulky messages of how I feel. I know you may not be reading this but it’s ok. This is liberating for me because I positioned this letter as if you would be so that for 2017, I can actually have “a nice life” and receive the blessings God has for me. You weren’t the only friend to walk away like that or the only man to hurt me. You were just the last one I decided who will. And it’s ok because I will appreciate and love my husband more whenever God decides to bless me with my king. I take accountability in the role I played in my hurt and I truly apologize if I hurt you but I don’t blame you fully. I just had to get this off my chest and free myself from this bondage. I’ve prayed for your safety and success and will continue to do so. I forgive you. I hope you can forgive me. I wish you all the best in your endeavors and all the love in life. Sincerely.
