To the friend that I lost,

You will probably never read this. Still, there is some small part of me that thinks that this is still worth writing. I’m really hoping that you will.

I remember when I met you earlier this year. You were funny and sarcastic and charismatic. Quite frankly, it scared me. We were sitting in the cafeteria and I was afraid to talk, so I just stared at my phone. I know that I must have seemed like such a bitch – I was just so nervous. I remember getting mad at myself for being so quiet and telling myself, “the next time you see him, you are going to smile and say hello”. I still remember so clearly, the next time I saw you, I made myself smile as widely as I possibly could. And you said, “Hey Beth! Let’s hangout.”

Do you know that you were the first friend I made in college? That sounds so lame. We were over a month into the school year when I met you. I had such a hard time adjusting. I don’t know why I struggled so much, but I spent the majority of August and September sobbing in my dorm room, looking forward to the next time that I would be able to visit home. To this day, words cannot describe how much it meant to me, that you asked me to hangout.

I feel like within a few weeks, we became best friends. I spent every free moment I had with you. For the first time, I actually felt like I belonged at our school. You made me smile! You made me laugh and feel like I wasn’t totally alone. You listened to me vent, you saw me cry, you even heard some of my deepest secrets. But then one day you just stopped talking.

I’m crying as I write this. I remember we were talking at 3 a.m. one night and you said, “you shouldn’t be friends with me, I’m not a good person”. I cried so hard that I wasn’t able to speak. You got mad at me when I tried to convince you that you were a good person. It has been three months since I last talked to you, and I stand by that statement. To this day, I don’t know why you suddenly stopped talking to me, but I hope you know how much I cherish the fact that I was once able to call you my friend. You saved someone who felt like she was drowning in a school where she didn’t belong. You made me feel like things were going to be okay.

If I could get any message across, it would be this: you are a good person. Forget all the mistakes you made. Forget all that bullshit. We are all hiding something dark about our pasts. You helped me through some of the darkest times of my life. Like it or not, I will always owe you for that.