You're not my "best friend." I wanted you to be the person that I could give that title to so bad, but for some unknown reason I can't bring myself to call you my best friend and you've admitted the same. Last year, we were so close. This year, though, it seems like all we do is fight, and I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I don't know why it feels this way, but it's painful. I feel like I'm constantly fighting for our friendship and I don't want it to be like that.
I love you so much and you're the closest friend I've ever had, but our friends were right. There's tension between us that neither of us thought was there. Thinking these past few days, though, I've realized just how strained our friendship is. I feel like we had one of those friendships that you come across rarely, where you instantly become close, but now it's gone. It's because we've changed and started going down different paths. The more we've come to know each other, the more a wedge has come between us.
I guess that I'm feeling these things because of our last serious conversation. I told you that I felt like you lied to me a lot, and you didn't understand why, but that night you proved me right. Every time we get into an argument, you tell me I'm your best friend and that you care about me, which is why you worry, but then just a couple of nights ago, you told everyone that you didn't have a best friend. So, it made me worry. Was I ever your best friend or were you just saying things you didn't mean? Or did I do something in these last few days to make you not think of me as your best friend anymore? These thoughts are what are contributing to the tension.
I want to trust you. I want our friendship to be 100% genuine. I'm not saying it's fake now, but it definitely doesn't feel real. It feels forced. And I wish that saying you were my best friend was easy, but it's not. Maybe it's because you already have your best friend, and although you've stated that calling someone your best friend is something you couldn't do because of the weight of the title, it is obvious that you have one. And I wish I could be that person, but what must be, must be. Just please stop saying things if you don't mean them because it's hurting me and our friendship in the process.
I want to know that you really do care for me as much as I do for you, but for some reason, there's a constant nagging in the back of my head telling me that you're tired of me. That you just want to stop being my friend altogether. I know I shouldn't be feeling those things after the many times that you've tried reassuring me that you are my friend, but it remains stuck in my head. Before you think I'm telling you that I don't think of us as friends anymore, let me just say that I'm not at all. I'll always think of you as my closest friend.
