Based on the title of this article, you may think that I’m writing this letter to bash you or talk badly of you. Let me start by saying that is not what I am here to do.

You were my absolute best friend that I loved with all my heart and soul. We did literally every single thing together for years. You saw all my awkward middle school phases. We held more inside jokes than I’ve ever held with any other human. We basically lived at each other’s houses. We went through obsessions over celebrities and you knew every secret I ever had. I used to define you as family, like a sister. My whole family would have considered you to be my sister, actually. To be honest, I still do. I just love from a distance in order to guard my heart from being broken.

Through our high school years, it seemed like we both were put through so much more than our peers. Through these times, I always thought I was going to have you to turn to when it all got to be too much. There did come a day, however, when I realized that I couldn’t anymore. That was a really hard day for me.

Since that day, there have been lots of days of heartbreak. There are things you’ve done that I don’t really understand completely. There have been times where instead of being able to run to you, I had to sit alone. There have been nights spent in tears and heaps of confusion. I think the worst part about this type of pain, is the fact that it’s coming from someone who used to make you feel the safest. The person who was once my home, is now someone that I’m scared to talk to.

While some readers may be expecting me to talk about all the things you did (or that I did, because I’m not perfect in any way), this letter is actually to tell you that you are loved. You read that right. You are loved. You are not loathed, blamed, or spoken badly of. You are simply loved.

Lots of people can tell me to let you go, or how toxic it is to still care for you. Sometimes, I want to agree. But my heart feels compelled to love. No matter what you have done, or will do, you’ll always be loved. You’ve already been forgiven for everything you’ve ever done. I may not call and text every month to check in, but you’re still prayed for before I go to sleep at night. We may not have sleepovers every weekend, but I still think good thoughts about you.

I think that life has thrown you a lot of curve balls and I also think it’s not fair. Another thing that wouldn’t be fair is if I blamed you for how the pain you’ve been through may have hardened your heart a little bit. I actually think it would be really hypocritical to do that, because pain has hardened my heart in the past, too. Despite the pain, though, my heart has always held a soft spot for my soul sister. It always will.

I always hope you’re doing well and that you’re with people who make you feel as loved and important as you deserve to feel. I heard an analogy one time that compared love with flower picking. It talked about how you can love a flower, but when you pick it for yourself, the flower dies. Love is not about possession. Love is unconditional. You don’t have to choose me to be your friend for me to love you. Even when other people do, I’m never going to give up on you. You have a beautiful heart, and I wish you nothing but the best. I hope you’re still kicking butt with that fiery personality of yours. I hope you’re happy, in every aspect of your life. And I hope that one day you can understand how loved and cherished you are by myself.

So much love, Bails