The list of people I could address this letter to is probably as long as the letter itself. As long as I can remember, I've always been the "emotional" one. Seriously, ask any one of my family members, friends, or even an ex-boyfriend. Each person will undoubtedly tell you I cry a lot. It's become a running joke. If I feel the feels, you'll see the tears. No shame in my game.
The issue, however, is that it seems to make other people feel ashamed. As often as the people in my life joke about my being emotional, they also seem to do everything in their power to try and keep me from being emotional.
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"Don't watch that movie. It will definitely make you cry."
"Don't look to the left, there was a bird hit by a car."
"Maybe you shouldn't start volunteering there. I don't want you to stress yourself out and get involved in more than you can handle."
I understand those comments are meant to be helpful. I understand the people in my life have good intentions. But I don't understand the antiquated idea that having feelings is a negative thing. When did we collectively decide it's best to live life trying to dull your emotions? In my mind, feelings are never something to be avoided. I always see this quote online that is incorrectly attributed to Jane Eyre, but I like the quote no matter where it's actually from: "Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive."
I cry when I'm sad. I cry when I'm excited. I cry when I'm angry. I cry because I'm feeling so much, I have to let the emotions out of me. And I think that's beautiful. I think it makes me strong. Allowing yourself to feel all emotions in full force implies you believe in your ability to handle all emotions. I won't say life is always good. I won't say I'm always happy, because that just isn't true. But I'm confident I can make it through the times where I'm unhappy and life sucks, because I've done it before. We don't get to decide to only feel the good emotions and to ignore the bad ones. When you try to stifle your capacity to feel, you're doing it for all emotions. Why waste time and energy trying to suppress the things that make you the most human?
For a long time, I've struggled with the fact that people in my life treat me like I'm weak because I don't hide when I feel things. They want me to live life with blinders on. They go through so much trouble trying to protect me from the outside world. It feels like they're attempting to force me into a giant bubble while making me wear a helmet with some earmuffs and a shade over the eyes, and the biggest, fluffiest life vest you've ever seen. What they apparently don't understand is that my bubble burst a long time ago. If their goal is to protect me from feeling pain, that's very sweet, but it's much too late for that. When life got serious and my bubble burst, I didn't choose to close my eyes or add more layers to separate me from the outside world. I couldn't have done that if I wanted to. So, I chose to take off the layers you tried to keep me in. I chose to embrace everything I could. By acknowledging my pain, I acknowledge my strength. I will address my mistakes, my trauma, and all of my emotions. When you ignore something, you only give it more power. Instead of running from my feelings and jumping through hoops to protect myself, I do my best to take life for what it is.
So, yes, that movie probably would make me cry. Seeing an injured animal definitely will. I know I cry more than society says I should. But you know what else I do? I smile. I laugh. And, most importantly, I live.
