[Valentine's Day may have passed, but there is another particular day that always sticks with me since I was twelve years old: the 17th of February. Now, most of you probably think of it as any other day, but this was the day I met the guy that would be my first boyfriend. And let me set the record straight, one may think having a boyfriend so young 'does not count', and while we did not go on fancy dates or made out every day, we were together for a whole year and then some, so I will damn well count it as a relationship... and with that being said, here we go.]
You and I met in 5th grade on February 17th, 2009. I remember the date so vividly because Valentine's Day happened to be on Friday (and I may or may have not checked what day of the week that it was through Google). You planned to give me a Valentine's Day card that Friday, but unfortunately, you never got a chance to see me that day. The following Monday, I walked around like everything is normal, but all of a sudden, my best friend at the time ran up to me and said that you were looking for me and had a very special card to deliver. Apparently you were too shy to give it to me in person, so my friend gave it to me instead. The card was holographic green with a pug, surrounded by hearts. At first, I did not think much of it. I was still in that phase where guys for some reason gave me that 'yuck!' feeling, even though I am pretty sure I had more guy friends back then.
It was only a matter of time before you happened to show up in the hallway. It felt like love at first sight--actually, no, it was not. You looked at me with a smile from ear to ear, realizing I had seen the card by then. Back then, I thought it was quite creepy, but now in retrospect, it was that endearing look and I could tell how big of a crush you had on me. On the other hand, being a young rascal, I stuck my tongue out at you, then walked away. Definitely not a 'love at first sight', but I still wonder to this day what went through your head that moment.
Time passed and just my luck, we began to see each other more frequently. It was either in the hallways, through the door windows of a classroom, in the cafeteria, at the bus stop area, or outside at the playground. It was pretty funny, and we always did the same antics. You stare and smile, and I react. Shenanigans ensue. Sometimes my faces varied from disgust, to outright silliness. It all felt like one giant game and I had a kick out of it. I played a bit of hide and seek, tag, and other games without saying a word, just by looks. Although, one day, you grew the courage to talk to me. It was the first time I got a clear look at you, refraining myself to look away or hide. The first thing I noticed was that at the time, you were a few inches shorter than me. Your skin was tan; you had straight, black hair and eyes that were quiet small, and with glasses (yes, I remember). The one big similarity we had was our naturally golden skin and the number of moles on our faces. I chuckled a bit at that from the odd coincidence.
It was no surprise that we eventually became friends, but I will never forget the night that your infatuation with me finally ceased to be one-sided anymore. I was in the school's choir group, and so were you. I noticed how many of the other guys in the group seemed to be bored out of their minds and wanted to disappear. The night of the choir concert, I did not realize you happened to have a solo in a song that all I could remember the lyrics were '"Goodnight my sweetheart, goodnight my angel, goodnight to you." It was the first time I heard your voice and your voice alone. The rest of the students were quiet, and so was the audience. And, this is where it gets cheesy, I felt like time came to the halt. All I envisioned was nobody but you standing in front of a microphone and I standing a few feet away, watching in awe. I guess the biggest surprise was the passion you had for music, especially for a boy, I thought then.
In fact, many of the things that made you and your hobbies were quiet odd. You enjoyed singing, your admiration for me in a heartwarming way, your respect towards me as a friend, even if I totally friend zoned you for half a year. You never truly chased me down, which unfortunately has happened to me more and more down the road when it comes to men. I remember when Chowder was still on Cartoon Network, we would often enact the scene where Chowder says "I'm not your boyfriend!" to Panini every time they happened to see each other. Instead, it was me always saying "I'm not your girlfriend!"
As I grew older, I realized that the world we currently both live in makes us put on spectacles of blue and pink, and where the gender roles lie in their respective colors. Although you were a shade of purple without realizing, meshing the two other colors together and not giving a damn. It was peculiar for me, being raised thinking blue was blue and pink was pink, but even I question that now. Maybe it was a subconscious thing, the fact that I dressed like a 'tomboy', and I had more guy friends than girls around me. I was not a society's perspective of a young female, and neither were you as a young male.
Things shifted once sixth grade started. You were mocked, and ridiculed, and teased; it was no better around me. A lot of people in my school thought we were the cutest couple ever, yet quickly turned on us and taunted at our dysfunctions. They teased that I would eventually leave you, that you were a 'midget' that did not deserve a girl like me. The glasses you formally had made you look like a loser, the fact that you're Asian, which struck a personal, angry chord with me. Of course, bullying is something we all face in school, and I am sure you had your fair share of people asking why you were so into me. This was the point I began to realize that the games we played, the jokes we made, the shows and movies we watched together, the public pool we went over the summer and hung out -- it was enough for me to overlook the 'flaws' all the other kids talked about behind our backs and sometimes, right at our faces.
But it was not long before it all fell apart. I can only guess that these things eventually got to you. It was gradual at first, until our relationship hit a wall in 7th grade. You grew, eventually being slightly taller than me (and that made all the difference) and you stopped wearing glasses, and your overall attitude became more sarcastic and mean-spirited than anything else. Of course, it affected me. Switching between 'I hate you' and 'I'm sorry' between text messages (through those tiny ass flip phones), becoming more possessive of me rather than affectionate, and myself being put through, to say the least, very uncomfortable situations. The mocking and teasing turned more to me instead of you, sometimes yourself being part of the problem. I did not care about the bullying, but once you were the one teasing, I began to become self-conscious. My ignorance faded and my self-consciousness rose. And no, I will not sugarcoat these instances for you. You should at least realize that not everything between us was all rainbows and unicorns.
But boys will be boys, huh? Something my mother would say when I explained my situations with you, and I'm sure you thought the same in a split second. I mean, you were only twelve years old, after all. That was also wishful thinking for me, too. The final day we were 'together' was probably the first time I had a breakdown. Even to this day, I do not understand any reasoning for you to behave in such a way--or not behave? It was all as usual; lunch began and my friends and I went to the cafeteria. I have not seen you at all that day, and I heard that you immediately went outside to play wall ball with the guys. It was not a big deal, until I eventually went outside and saw you. Since that day, this day was always pushed to the back of my mind so I could just leave it to die into obscurity... but it never manages to go away. I could tell that you were trying to focus on the game, but other times you take a break and talk to me before. No, that day, you were ignorant beyond comprehension. I tried again and again to get your attention, being right behind him as he watched a guy take his turn at the game. Then it hit me, you were purposefully trying to ignore me. It was almost a full ten minutes before I began to shout at you, and you turned slightly and said 'I don't want you anymore. Go away.'
I stood there in complete silence for a few moments before I went to full rage and three of my friends had to hold me back. I may have been angry, but it was only a matter of time before I just collapsed on the grass, sobbing. I never wanted to leave the ground. My head was spinning and I did not feel any better when school was dismissed, I found a letter in my locker from you that said 'there will be other fish in the sea.' I will say that I still have that letter stored away in my room;it was the last piece of us that I could really cling to. I always make fun of my 'goth phase', but I can never tease about it without reminded myself that throughout eight grade, I was not really 'goth', but severely depressed because of this. I cannot believe to this day that a damn breakup could hit me so hard, but it happened. Not only that, but the wave of people in the school asking the same question from that day up to my sophomore year of high school.
Did you break up with X?! Why?!
No wonder this impacted me a lot. Everyone knew, even the teachers. We were known as the sweetheart couple you would find in a high school yearbook. Most of my 'friends' became strangers because so many of them were around because of you and I. Only one person who was simply someone I talked to now and then to a close friend who helped me get through eight grade. [Big shout out to her, you know who you are!]
Why am I writing this? To show you how much of an ass you were? No. Trust me, I have been over you since my freshman year of high school (almost a whole two years after you and I parted ways), but there is always a side that you, and many others do not know about us. About you. This is not some cheesy side of my story about how great our relationship initially was, or how badly you broke my heart.
You were the breaking point to make me realize that things are not simply black and white, or pink and blue, in this case. It may sound silly, but I want you, and everyone else to know that one does not have to fall in the typical Valentine sweetheart of your dreams. I never wanted a tall, Caucasian male to sweep me off my feet. You made me realize that with my relationships after you, there will be unanswered questions and that sometimes, I have to accept it--or even embrace it. I went through severe depression and even though I still struggle with it today, I overcame it back in middle school. The end of the world then is what now is having to finish a billion assignments in college. You made me realize that even after all that shit happened, we could still see each other in high school and talk normally, not create more drama about the past which I assumed we both did not want to bring it up ever again.
But I'll always remember. My question to you is, do you remember?
[Thank you all for reading this. This was quite personal for me, but I tried my best to make it interesting and how this story shaped me as a person. I hoped you enjoyed it!]
