How you will find this is beyond me but if you miraculously did, how are you? Hopefully, you are having a great day and if not, I hope someone will make your day!
I don’t mean to dig up bad memories but these are the thoughts I accumulated from my former high school self to who I am now. The unspoken words that I’ve kept hidden after we erased each other out of our lives.
Back then, I was a new staff writer for the student newspaper and you were the Op/Ed Editor. I joined around early November and from there, we didn't really interact and looking back, I don't think you even knew my name yet.
Later on, the moment I realized I was really fond of you was during a group get-together. One thing we had in common was watching anime. By the way, we were marathoning Ouran Highschool Host Club (although I wanted to watch Yuri!!! On Ice).
This is a high school crush I was developing. At that point I realized that this was most likely a phase and will pass a week later.
Except it didn’t.
From your passion for journalism to your adorable awkwardness, I could make a list of why I fell for you but as for the most important reason? Keep reading.
It all started around early January. To this day, I think it was a scummy move for me to make, but I asked you for advice on how to deal with unrequited love. About you. You didn't know I was talking about you but I still think it was pitiful of me to do that. From what you told me, I think this can apply to all high schoolers.
"You probably won’t see them after high school."
If I don’t see you in the next 3 years again, then I know for sure I’m going to risk it all for the sake of not regretting it in the future.
Making up my mind and fighting back the anxiety, I finally did it. I confessed to you knowing that there was a 99.9% chance of you rejecting me. Deep inside, there was a part of me who wanted to believe the 0.1% but that hope crumbled in an instant when you said,
"Hopefully we can still be friends?"
This was when I made the fatal mistake that consequently, cut off our ties indefinitely.
For the rest of the month, I felt miserable but it's only natural after a rejection. I avoided the club room and whenever we would cross paths in the hallways, you didn't meet my gaze and neither did I. I made the mistake of ignoring you and not saying the simple words of "Yes, I would love to be friends."
A week later, I finally gave a reply. Saying that we can rebuild our friendship. The reason it took me so long to reply was because I was running away yet again. I was drowning in my melancholy and I didn't want to interact with anyone. For a bit, I wanted to be alone and recollect.
It was already too late.
"We're nothing more than acquaintances."
Those words stung. I thought the rejection was bad but realizing that I am now someone you barely acknowledge the existence of was devastating. Deep down, I knew that in the end, this was all because of me.
What were your thoughts during all this? I was the disastrous fool while you were the ice cold princess. I may never know the exact reason why you decided to cut me out of your life.
To add to the rejection, the rest of the month and early February was one of the worst for me. Like donning a mask, I hid the feelings and continued on with my life. In the day, I'm the shy introverted student who read books in the library during lunch. At night, I would be the person who beat himself up for being a person that is incompetent, pathetic and inferior.
You were the A-grade student while I was the mediocre one. You kept going on with your life while I was stuck in the past. You continued to shine while I was stuck in your shadow.
Through your words, I could tell you were being sincere and tried to reject me kindly. That's because that is who you are. You even offered to be friends again but in the end, I took that kindness for granted and ignored you. You finally made the decision to remove me out of your life. When I came back to try to patch things up, you had already broken off all ties with me. But you were still you because, in the end, you apologized for being harsh.
No, you weren't being harsh. You were simply telling me the truth and I am grateful for you telling me that.
I wasn't going to be running away anymore. I was tired. Tired of running away, tired of living in the past and most importantly, I didn't want to be stuck in your shadow anymore. It was the time where I needed to embrace change for the better or else I risk becoming the bird in a cage.
The former me was gone and in its wake was a new person that learned to accept the past and use it as strength to move on.
From the start, you've always felt out of reach. You were a girl who had her eyes set on the future and no matter what. After everything that has happened, you are now even farther. You were never going to let anything get in your way of achieving your goals in life. I'm thankful because you stayed true to who you are. I still can't comprehend how you're able to do it, but you somehow strive throughout and work hard and still manage to smile and laugh. That is the kind of person I wish to be myself. To me, that was the part of you that I fell for.
You weren't able to reciprocate my feelings but perhaps it's a good thing. This experience was a step toward changing myself to be a better person. I'm thankful knowing that you were the person who gave me the wake-up call to improve myself and gain more self-confidence. The person that confessed to you no longer exists but a new person rose from the ashes who is confident knowing he learned an invaluable lesson out of it.
Did I regret confessing to you? Absolutely not. Maybe this could've been avoided completely and we could've still been friends but if I kept my feelings to myself, I know that our friendship would've been flawed. It was best for me to express my feelings before breaking point. Regardless of how much pain I went through, I don't resent you. I respect your decision and I am happy that you were able to tell me how you felt.
Wherever you are now, I already know you're having a great time with life. And so am I.
Perhaps fate will have us cross paths once again. If so, I'll take you out for coffee, for old time's sake. My treat.
Best Regards,
Derek Nguyen
