To start off, I just wanted to thank you for everything that you have taught me. Our time together is something that I will always cherish and, to be completely honest, the eleven months we spent together were the happiest months of my life. You accepted me for who I am. You looked past all my flaws, my imperfections, and my weird quirks and saw me for me.
When I was with you I didn’t feel self-conscious like I normally do when I’m with my friends, family, or even alone. I was happy. Life was good when I came back from class and cuddled up next to you. Every night I went to bed with a big smile on my face thinking about how I was going to get to spend the next day, next month, next year with you. Apparently you didn’t feel the same. I was ready to have a future with you, to grow old and be happy with you but things didn’t work out as I planned. I guess you can say that’s just life.
As our sophomore year of college quickly approached we both made different plans. You decided to transfer and go to a new school with new people, parties, and a clean slate. I applied to study abroad in Tangier, Morocco, and within a few days was accepted into the program. We talked and talked about how we were going to make this work. We figured out the time difference and agreed to make our weekly Skype date schedule once you found out what time all of your classes were. I even bought you a dual time zone watch so you would always know what time it was in the foreign land that your boyfriend was soon to be exploring.
I didn’t think anything of the distance that would be between us, seeing as we were already in a long distance relationship. We met our freshman year of school in Maine, which was your home state, but I live in New Jersey. We had our obstacles here and there but we made it work. I saw the upcoming four months that I would be spending abroad as just another summer break when we would only get to Skype and text one another. I’d be back in January and we would be fine.
My last weekend in the USA before I left for Morocco my mom surprised me and took me up to Maine to see you one last time. Everything seemed like it always was. We were the same goofy, outgoing gay couple that all of my friends and family knew us to be. When it was time for us to head our separate ways I gave you one last long kiss saying it was for October 4th, what was supposed to be our one-year anniversary. A kiss that went to waste as you drove off and screamed, "See you soon!" from your open window.
One week later I was stepping off of my Ryanair plane onto the tarmac at Tangier airport. I’ll admit that it was tough for the both of us my first month abroad. Our schedules clashed with the time difference and I wasn’t able to talk as much since I could only use my phone when I was connected to campus Wi-Fi. You told me to go out and try new things, and I did. Instead of sitting in my room watching Netflix, I went out and explored this new world I was living in, causing me to miss your messages and calls. You told me it was okay, though—you said it was fine. We talked when we could and I made sure to send you at least one message a day saying how much I loved you. I thought things were going well.
However as I returned to Tangier after a weekend trip to Paris for my birthday I received the dreaded “We need to talk” message that everyone knows the meaning of. I locked myself in my room and Skyped you for the final time, September 6, 2015 at 10:36 pm—to be exact. Tears running down my face I listened to you say that things weren’t working out and that we needed to end it. I say listen because for the majority of the Skype call you had your camera off and only turned it on after I spewed a barrage of unpleasant words at you only to reveal your figure sitting in a dark car. You said that you were never ready for a relationship from day one, uttered your final goodbye, told me you loved me one last time and hung up. You told me things would be hard for both of us but you seemed perfectly fine on your friend's Snapchat story only a few minutes later, singing and dancing, smile on your face.
The weeks that followed were pure hell. I felt as if it was all my fault and kept running each and every scenario through my mind trying to figure out where I went wrong. But then I discovered it wasn’t my fault at all. Instead of thinking that I wasn’t good enough for you I realized that I was too good for you. Looking back on it all, I realized how poorly you treated me. I came out of the closet a long time ago but you took one step out and then dove right back in and you started dragging me back in as well.
Yes, our mutual friends, my family/friends from home and your parents knew that we were dating but no one else did. The majority of your family, as well as your friends from home and new friends at school, had no clue. I would always have to pretend to be just your friend from school when we hung out with someone who didn't know the truth. And yes, you would post things online about me but I was never once referred to as your boyfriend. I understand that coming out of the closet is something extremely hard to do, trust me I know, but you had already started your coming-out process. Why was it so hard to take that final leap of faith when you saw that everyone you did tell supported and loved you one hundred percent? I guess you went back into hiding with your clean slate at your new school.
"Whatever," is really all I can say about this. As I take down the final picture of us, throw out the last letter and give away the stuffed animals you gave me I realize that I’m better off on my own. You kept me in a world of secrecy; I mean, hell, you didn’t even bring any sentimental pictures of us up to your new dorm room. That world is a place I never want to go back to. I’ve learned so much from this experience and am so happy to have gone through all the hardships that followed that dark September night. I still wonder if your friends and family will ever know know. Or will I forever remain as your one friend who you suddenly lost touch with?
Since all of this I have learned how to love myself, to be happy with the person I am and now know that you don’t need to be in a relationship in order to be fulfilled. I now know what traits to look for and avoid in a boyfriend and what you need in order to have a healthy and long lasting relationship. There’s no way that I’m letting myself shower my next boyfriend with tons of birthday and anniversary gifts to only receive nothing in return. It happened to me once and it will never happen again. I learned a lot from this and am honestly such a happier, more outgoing and vibrant person than I ever thought possible. From now on I will always speak my mind and never be quiet just to keep my boyfriend happy. If something bothers me I will say it. So thank you, thank you so much for all the things that you taught me.
As I am finishing up this letter, which I don’t even know if you’ll see, nor do I care, I just wanted to write you one last thing. Whoever you end up dating next, be it a boy or a girl, please don’t put them through the roller coaster ride that I went on. Treat them with respect and love in more than one way. I know that you cared about me but you didn’t really show it. That’s, at least, how I feel. Talk to your friends and family about your significant other, post pictures online and be proud of the person you are dating.
Show them that you love them. If things get tough don’t give up so quickly like you did on us. You will never know what you are walking away from until it’s too late. I would have given you the world but that chance is gone forever now. One day you will realize that but it's too late. Lastly, if you’re not ready to date the person you are with, tell them. Don’t wait until your boyfriend/girlfriend is with you for almost a year and drop a bombshell out of nowhere. It can seriously mess them up. I wish you well in your future and all the things that come your way. I hope you find happiness one day like I know I will. Thanks for the memories and so many lessons.
Love,
John
