I think if the world was ending, literally ending, like fire-raining-down-from-the-sky ending, the vast majority of humanity’s last words would be, “I’m fine.”

I’ve seen people go through difficult, sometimes horrible, situations. I’ve gone through difficult, sometimes horrible, situations. With very few exceptions, no matter the situation – death of a loved one, financial crisis, failing an exam, failing a class, being broken up with, getting fired, rape, abuse, even something that seems mundane like just having a really bad day -- the response is, “I’m fine.” “I’m OK.” I do this. Men do this. Women do this. Adults, college students, it doesn’t matter. Everyone does it.

When did we start thinking we had to be fine all the time? Do we really believe people will love us a little less if we admit we need help or support? Are we that afraid of "bothering" someone with our feelings?

Here’s the actual definition of the word “fine:” ofsuperiororbestquality;ofhighorhighestgrade.

You’ve probably heard the phrase “fine dining” or a “fine wine;” super fancy, very expensive. If you feel like you were emotionally punched in the stomach, you aren’t of a superior or best quality.

Our society has done a really poor job with emotional openness, across both genders. We are taught that men are supposed to be “fine” because you have to be strong, and being miserable is showing weakness; asking for help is completely unacceptable. We are taught that women are supposed to be “fine” because being upset is unattractive, and that no one likes a Debbie-downer; you only ask for help when you’re looking for attention.

I can tell you right now; whoever implemented these ideas is definitely not “fine.”

Sometimes we don't know how to react to other people's pain. We often fall back on “it gets better!” and/or “you will look back on this time and, in hindsight, see that it strengthened you.” I have no problem with these ideas, because they are meant to help you, and it definitely is going to get better. But I think all we're doing is encouraging the people around us to appear happy on the outside so that we won't have to worry about them anymore.

If you’re not fine, if you’re miserable, dispirited, depressed, angry, hurt, lonely, or scared, it’s not going to just go away because you ignore it. It’s definitely not going to just go away because you pretend you aren’t feeling it. I could’ve won an Oscar for the number of times I’ve pretended I’m [insert positive emotion here], but that doesn’t solve the problem.

Also, don’t belittle your emotions. We now know what's going on all around the world, and that's great, but sometimes people fall into the trap of feeling like their problems aren’t big enough to warrant being upset. If you’re hurt because your friend stood you up or said something mean, but then you think you don’t have the right to be hurt because there are people fleeing their home countries to escape genocide, you just made yourself feel guilty about being hurt, and you’re probably also still hurt. This didn’t solve anything. It didn't even help the refugees. It literally helped no one. Yet we still do this.

Viktor Frankl was an Austrian psychiatrist who survived the Nazi concentration camps. He lost most of his family, including his parents and his pregnant wife. Afterward, he wrote a book called Man’s Search for Meaning, and in it, discussed how suffering was not a universal scale. When he returned to his city after liberation, he talked to people about their lives during the occupation. Many of them had lost their jobs and said it was the worst thing that had ever happened to them. Frankl had literally lived for three years in concentration camps, but when people talked about how unhappy they had been from losing their jobs, he did not condescend to them or shame them for being unhappy. He empathized.

His theory was that we can only suffer on our own personal scale; for example, if being broken up with is the worst thing that’s ever happened to you, you can’t measure it against someone else’s trauma. What we can have control over is still empathizing with someone else’s level of suffering. Yes, others have suffered worse than that. I’ve suffered worse, and maybe (probably?) you have as well. But it’s not our place to say “get over it, it could be worse.” You’re right, it could be worse. But they can’t imagine it. Just like the other people in Austria couldn’t imagine surviving a concentration camp.

So here’s a really simple piece of advice that’s easy to overlook: we need to take turns loving on people. If you are content at this moment, love on the people around you, regardless of what mental state you think they’re in, because people are awful at really saying when they need help. If you are not fine, for whatever reason, don’t feel guilty or blame yourself. You’re not a nuisance or annoying.

Real talk: if you’re in high school or college, which is the vast majority of this publication’s audience, your school should offer free counseling. I don’t know whoever perpetrated the myth that counseling was only for the severely mentally ill or weaklings (probably the same people who originated all this nonsense about being fine all the time, to be honest) but that’s garbage. But it didn’t stop me from believing it. After spending ten months recommending counseling to the women of my organization whenever they faced problems that overwhelmed them -- any problem at all – I still had never stepped foot inside that office. Then one day I had a particularly difficult encounter and I felt like my two options left were to either fall apart and never come back together, or stay in bed forever eating ice cream. Instead, I did something really scary and signed up for counseling. It was one of the best decisions I ever made in college, and my only regret is not doing it sooner.

So I don’t know how you are right now. Maybe you really are doing great, and if so, that’s great! There is no benefit to feeling guilty over that, either. If you’re not doing great, believe me, you aren’t alone. I don’t know what you’re going through, but I am so sorry you’re hurting. I’m not going to be another voice telling you it’s going to be OK, you’ll get through this, it’ll get better. But I will tell you that you’re loved and you’re important. These two facts will never be untrue, no matter what anyone says or what you start to believe.

It’s OK to not be OK.