You always made this day really special for me. I know I expected a lot from you because I was younger and didn’t realize that there wasn’t much you can do but I know you tried your hardest. I realize that now. It’s my birthday again and it feels like another regular day, except I have all these memories of you from my previous birthdays.
I’m filled with a lot guilt today because I know there’s so much that you wanted to hear from me that I always kept to myself.
The first thing that I wanted to say is I remember. I have always remembered the sacrifices you made for me and just how hard you tried. I saw how tortured your soul was but you continued to try for me. I never want you to feel like you’re going to be forgotten. Even if the whole universe forgets, I will always remember. I will remember how much you suffered and all the little things you did in order to make me happy.
There is so much that I learned from you.
You taught me how to be human in this cruel, harsh world. I learned that it’s important love people without asking for anything in return. You taught me the importance of home and that you don’t need to have a home for something to feel like home. Your death taught me that although life may seem less magical as we age, we should celebrate it because life is so short.
I’m sorry for all the pictures we never took together and for the awkward silences. I’m sorry for always changing the channel and for eating the last slice of your favorite dessert. I’m sorry for always leaving you alone to go out with my friends and for yelling at you whenever I would get angry at something stupid. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to make your favorite dish just the way you wanted it and for complaining when I had to change your diaper.
I know that it wasn’t your fault. I wish you were alive today so that I could hold you tight and tell you everything that I’ve been holding in since before you died.
I promise you that I won’t always feel the way that I’m feeling now. I will transform and be the person you always wanted to be. I promise to celebrate this day and be happy because that’s what you suffered for.
